just how long am i going to waste my time and get going?

feelings gone numb. i am tired. medicine has make things even worse.
it makes me feel like sleeping...forever.
saw on the paper a guy fell to his death..a painless one. sigh
the thought of cutting is back...
i want to feel some pain. to make me feel better.

what's pain to you?
to me the experience with pain is the most. i suffer more pain than anybody else. pain you had made me suffered a lot. and you came to me today. you remind me of the past which i don't want to think. you made me groan in pain, and left me with scars. i tried to hide the past and the scarred body of mine. i look at the body of myself full with scars in the mirror. it's ugly. you turned me into an ugly monster. do you know? what have you brought me till now? pain and scars..

i really hate you

i must be sick in the mind.

due to an accident, he deleted the precious messages he had with her. messages that don't come by easily anymore. all lost. does this mean he should go on with his life, alone again?

he don't know how to move on. he's reluctant to move on.
meanwhile just let him stay at where he is. just a little longer........(he will move on eventually)
he continues to rot at home. trying to do some work to keep himself a little more busy.
but things don't seem to work well.
the sadness is overwhelming..

first of all, i have to thank all who tagged. i am just too lazy to reply. or should i say i am wrong in the first place, and that makes me speechless. sorry to disappoint my good friends..

asked due to some reasons, he sat beside his classmates during management science(ms) lecture. mr koh asked repth a question but failed to answer. the person beside repth got asked.

mr koh: 'he'... what you think ?
he: ehhh..i am lost already
--silence for a few seconds--
repth: he's lost in the lover's heart.

the whole lecture group student look back..and the nearly hundred pair of eyes seems to be paying full attention to him. a total embarrassment to him, especially when th girl was just next to him. he didn't know what to say. he didn't even dare to look into the eyes of her and refer back to his own notes. he felt uncomfortable...

there were suppose to be a class outing for the class. that was to go karaoke..very few went. in fact only 4 in the first place. he managed to drag another friend and another's friend to go along. thats great isn't it? at least it's not so boring. in the bus, the guy shared of his secrets to his friends, and told them to stop such pranks because it wasn't funny. this was something they don't know. they were shocked and agreed to keep their mouth quiet. the guy hopes that things will work out fine again. the boys and the girls then went to bedok hawker to eat and started the singing session. it wasn't a surprise. the girl can really sing well. and everyone loves to hear her sing..mesmerized by her voice. he then dream that one day he can sing together with her. just a dream. and the singing went on from around 245pm to 7pm. it was a fun time yes..people were so high at times. they laughed and joked like nobody's business.

it was kind of saddening to leave though. the guy hopes to be with the girl...
he's in a dilemma now.

living a 頹廢 life theses days.. i no wonder find life interesting. what's the purpose of going to school? don't tell me to study i hate to study nowadays. i no longer find motivation to go school, to study, to do my tutorial work. getting lazier and more lifeless. sleeping for more than 12 hours..skipping morning lectures. what have i turn myself into? where's the happy gary?

lost in the world thinking about you. thinking of stupid reasons to continue his life. he wishes he is better. he wishes for a happy ending between him and the girl he falls in love. he wish to be happy forever. because happiness is the world to him. and you are his world. he wish that happy ending will always come by, just in any drama he watches. he waits, waiting, and waited. but will this change? he feeling more hopeless, more depress each day, as the words between he and the girl got lesser and lesser. till there was total silence one day. he finally broke the silence. but soon this barrier build up again. his classmates didn't know anything, that he was being rejected by the girl already. they continue to tease on him. and he wasn't sure if he should tell his classmates, so they can stop. he feels very 'diu lian' to speak to his classmates about this. his heart actually aches every time he thinks of the girl.

he no longer wish to come school to study. because seeing the girl is a pain. he finds no place to stand, may be not even in the world of friends..words don't come out of his mouth that often anymore. he knows his results is going to drop if he continues this way. but to him results is nothing but a sheet of paper. he hopes for love. he read a book that even worsen his thought. he don't want to get hurt anymore. he wonder why he has to go through all these, and yet can't find the right girl. he scares he may end up as what the book said, which he don't want to. he's desperate, you may think. he continues to wonder.......

lets pray he will be happier after he wrote this...
smilez =//

i want to go back to the past. i miss the past when we could talk freely. the messages..the 'hi' and 'bye'.. awww...all gone to nowhere

it makes me sort of regret now things had changed. i shouldn't have revealed my feelings. i should have bottled it deep inside. what's the point of saying if i knew in the first place that i am going to lose instead of gain?? the invisible wall, getting thicker..that not even a single beam of light can pass through.

those happy times..i really miss it.
now let the happiest moment spent with you as my precious moment...

all main projects all done. had operations management presentation today. suppose to meet and rehearse at 8. left house at 0640 and gave my group mates morning call. but it wasn't effective. they are still late in the end. and failed to really have a trial run. didn't have enough time to finish within the 10 minutes' time..

what was wrong with me at that moment. telling the shiqi, yvonne, and li juan i gonna join the rest of the group and left hurriedly. i felt i should relax after so many projects done and i should hang out with more people. or may be i just don't want to stick with one of the three. oh whatever. went to kfc outside school. didn't expect to see jasmine and yisim but they did join us. surprised to see the 3 girls later too. but they didn't join us. gossiped around and eventually got 'chase' out and shifted to playground to continue.

eventually some of us went over to jasmine's house to have some bonding games. i did have fun. but sort of regret of meeting the girls later. i should have..but inside me. it's saying 'you think things are going to change?' none of the class mate know what happened. about being rejected. i wonder what will happen if i tell them this. sighh..

gary let's face the reality. the more you think, the more trouble will come and look for you. sniff... feel our thinkings are totally different now, getting worse each day. distance getting further every moment. you are no longer the one i know. and i ain't the gary you first see as.

the word 'friends' is torturing me. *ouch*

awaken by a loud 'bang' at 0730am yesterday, i went out of my room, saw my mum holding her right wrist in pain. cardboard and ladder fell, in a total mess. i realised it's something serious. damn..called dad and he said we better not wait..went to to polyclinic..waited to see doctor, then x-ray..it was a fracture in the right wrist, with some displacement and swollen..directed to A&E of hospital then..cabbed to SGH. waited..waited and more waiting...see another doctor at 2..dad came by to see how's things is going. was directed to the bone specialist..waited for 4 hours just to get the temporary cast done. no point complaining because all they can say is wait. followed by another x-ray to see if it's properly done..another hours plus of waiting..everyone is just frustrated, especially dad. i was couldn't help it. i dare not nap before my dad came by..and even when he was here, i manage to nap a while. spent a total of 12hours+ just to get simple things done..wasted time and money, most importantly pain you suffered. a lesson to learn, treasure your body and never let anything happen.

and who's fault was it? me. mum was suppose to be out with dad to our new house in the morning. mum stayed because she wanted to cook porridge for me, and meanwhile taking down the curtain to clean where she just fell off the ladder accidentally. why did i bring so much trouble to others? i didn't go for my project meeting at 12 and tutorial at 4 in the end for the first time, because i didn't want to leave my parents alone there, knowing there would be some communication problem. i know i did the right choice, because nothing is more important than my family.

i hope you are there for me. because i want to cry. will be lend me your shoulder? what am i saying.thinking of the consequences if she was on the chair, wiping the window. i wish i got the courage to go up, hug you and say 'i don't wanna lose you mum'. you don't seem to understand. and giving me some sort of attitude. i already apologised for not coming! why still nag at give me attitude?!! i can't seem to tolerate this. because i believe what i did for my family is right. will you do for your family too? thinking you, as a cancerian will understand me most, but you failed to. what a disappointment. but who is to be blamed? me. because of my own doing, now i am suffering. your perception of me changed, no doubt. i 'thought' i can still change it, but it's never easy. forget it...i just don't want to think of you right now and this moment.

handphone 'sort sort'..so sad..less than one year and it's already bringing me problems..sighh..stomach pain..so sad, don't know what's happening to me...

acting stupid in front of everyone. i feel i am so childish. think it's time to be serious and behave like a man? but it is actually for me to mask my sadness within..i am so confused with my own feelings, about what i need to do in life. is there a compass that will lead me to world of happiness? i wish i got it.

i wish for this one day...where true happiness comes..but when? i don't have much time.

so lost in doing tutorials..so lost in life. how worse can things turn out?
feeling tired of life..thinking how to pass each day fruitfully is a pain.

i am not updating what i am suppose to update. think life is too dull..i wish i can have a more colourful life...your words keep reminding me of the pain whenever i think of it. i know thats the maximum we can reach...but...blah blah blah.

yawns...

just when i thought everything will be normal..i started going berserk.
i feel very stupid.
i noticed what have i gained so far? nothing. but in turn what have i lost? a lot. just that i am not admitting to the facts. and it's all my fault for these. i know i ain't friendly. i know life can't be perfect and i shouldn't be here grumbling, complaining about life because there will be somewhere people who are less fortunate than me.

i thought i make it and manage to wake up. but actually not. feel so lousy because certain things wouldn't change no matter how hard you try. i want to know if there's anything i can do to change the outcome...willing to give anything (sounds crazy) but don't forget happiness is something you can't buy..just a thought.

stupid stupid.....

since this is what you want. i shall try my best to 'pei he'. chit you are so right..i am sure i want to see you smile and be happy always. i know time will turn me back into the normal person you know.

i just got to kan kai a little..

if i have no feelings, why do i care so much?
recently i lost all hope...knowing it's impossible for us.
i turned away, looked back at you at a different view.

yes i am happier now. you are right about me. i notice we can still be good friends. i got to learn this. i no longer want to be stupid and spoil your 'good' preception of mine.

now i got to convince myself being friends isn't that bad at all actually! and i know i can't afford to lose you...yesh!

trying to be happy (:

祝我生日快樂 (周傑倫無與倫比演唱會對唱版) - 溫嵐/周傑倫

曲：周傑倫 | 詞：鄭中庸 | 編：林邁可
我知道傷心不能改變什麼 那麼 讓我誠實一點
誠實 難免有不能控制的宣洩 只要關上了門 不必理誰

# 一個人坐在空蕩包廂裡面 手機 讓它休息一夜
難 像切歌切掉回憶的畫面 眼淚不能不能流過十二點

* 生日快樂 我對自己說 蠟燭點了 寂寞亮了
生日快樂 淚也融了 我要謝謝你給的你拿走的一切

@ 還愛你 帶一點恨 還要時間 才能平衡
熱戀傷痕 幻滅重生 祝我生日快樂

Repeat # * @ @

just how long am i going to waste my time and get going?

feelings gone numb. i am tired. medicine has make things even worse.
it makes me feel like sleeping...forever.
saw on the paper a guy fell to his death..a painless one. sigh
the thought of cutting is back...
i want to feel some pain. to make me feel better.

what's pain to you?
to me the experience with pain is the most. i suffer more pain than anybody else. pain you had made me suffered a lot. and you came to me today. you remind me of the past which i don't want to think. you made me groan in pain, and left me with scars. i tried to hide the past and the scarred body of mine. i look at the body of myself full with scars in the mirror. it's ugly. you turned me into an ugly monster. do you know? what have you brought me till now? pain and scars..

i really hate you

i must be sick in the mind.

due to an accident, he deleted the precious messages he had with her. messages that don't come by easily anymore. all lost. does this mean he should go on with his life, alone again?

he don't know how to move on. he's reluctant to move on.
meanwhile just let him stay at where he is. just a little longer........(he will move on eventually)
he continues to rot at home. trying to do some work to keep himself a little more busy.
but things don't seem to work well.
the sadness is overwhelming..

first of all, i have to thank all who tagged. i am just too lazy to reply. or should i say i am wrong in the first place, and that makes me speechless. sorry to disappoint my good friends..

asked due to some reasons, he sat beside his classmates during management science(ms) lecture. mr koh asked repth a question but failed to answer. the person beside repth got asked.

mr koh: 'he'... what you think ?
he: ehhh..i am lost already
--silence for a few seconds--
repth: he's lost in the lover's heart.

the whole lecture group student look back..and the nearly hundred pair of eyes seems to be paying full attention to him. a total embarrassment to him, especially when th girl was just next to him. he didn't know what to say. he didn't even dare to look into the eyes of her and refer back to his own notes. he felt uncomfortable...

there were suppose to be a class outing for the class. that was to go karaoke..very few went. in fact only 4 in the first place. he managed to drag another friend and another's friend to go along. thats great isn't it? at least it's not so boring. in the bus, the guy shared of his secrets to his friends, and told them to stop such pranks because it wasn't funny. this was something they don't know. they were shocked and agreed to keep their mouth quiet. the guy hopes that things will work out fine again. the boys and the girls then went to bedok hawker to eat and started the singing session. it wasn't a surprise. the girl can really sing well. and everyone loves to hear her sing..mesmerized by her voice. he then dream that one day he can sing together with her. just a dream. and the singing went on from around 245pm to 7pm. it was a fun time yes..people were so high at times. they laughed and joked like nobody's business.

it was kind of saddening to leave though. the guy hopes to be with the girl...
he's in a dilemma now.

living a 頹廢 life theses days.. i no wonder find life interesting. what's the purpose of going to school? don't tell me to study i hate to study nowadays. i no longer find motivation to go school, to study, to do my tutorial work. getting lazier and more lifeless. sleeping for more than 12 hours..skipping morning lectures. what have i turn myself into? where's the happy gary?

lost in the world thinking about you. thinking of stupid reasons to continue his life. he wishes he is better. he wishes for a happy ending between him and the girl he falls in love. he wish to be happy forever. because happiness is the world to him. and you are his world. he wish that happy ending will always come by, just in any drama he watches. he waits, waiting, and waited. but will this change? he feeling more hopeless, more depress each day, as the words between he and the girl got lesser and lesser. till there was total silence one day. he finally broke the silence. but soon this barrier build up again. his classmates didn't know anything, that he was being rejected by the girl already. they continue to tease on him. and he wasn't sure if he should tell his classmates, so they can stop. he feels very 'diu lian' to speak to his classmates about this. his heart actually aches every time he thinks of the girl.

he no longer wish to come school to study. because seeing the girl is a pain. he finds no place to stand, may be not even in the world of friends..words don't come out of his mouth that often anymore. he knows his results is going to drop if he continues this way. but to him results is nothing but a sheet of paper. he hopes for love. he read a book that even worsen his thought. he don't want to get hurt anymore. he wonder why he has to go through all these, and yet can't find the right girl. he scares he may end up as what the book said, which he don't want to. he's desperate, you may think. he continues to wonder.......

lets pray he will be happier after he wrote this...
smilez =//

i want to go back to the past. i miss the past when we could talk freely. the messages..the 'hi' and 'bye'.. awww...all gone to nowhere

it makes me sort of regret now things had changed. i shouldn't have revealed my feelings. i should have bottled it deep inside. what's the point of saying if i knew in the first place that i am going to lose instead of gain?? the invisible wall, getting thicker..that not even a single beam of light can pass through.

those happy times..i really miss it.
now let the happiest moment spent with you as my precious moment...

all main projects all done. had operations management presentation today. suppose to meet and rehearse at 8. left house at 0640 and gave my group mates morning call. but it wasn't effective. they are still late in the end. and failed to really have a trial run. didn't have enough time to finish within the 10 minutes' time..

what was wrong with me at that moment. telling the shiqi, yvonne, and li juan i gonna join the rest of the group and left hurriedly. i felt i should relax after so many projects done and i should hang out with more people. or may be i just don't want to stick with one of the three. oh whatever. went to kfc outside school. didn't expect to see jasmine and yisim but they did join us. surprised to see the 3 girls later too. but they didn't join us. gossiped around and eventually got 'chase' out and shifted to playground to continue.

eventually some of us went over to jasmine's house to have some bonding games. i did have fun. but sort of regret of meeting the girls later. i should have..but inside me. it's saying 'you think things are going to change?' none of the class mate know what happened. about being rejected. i wonder what will happen if i tell them this. sighh..

gary let's face the reality. the more you think, the more trouble will come and look for you. sniff... feel our thinkings are totally different now, getting worse each day. distance getting further every moment. you are no longer the one i know. and i ain't the gary you first see as.

the word 'friends' is torturing me. *ouch*

awaken by a loud 'bang' at 0730am yesterday, i went out of my room, saw my mum holding her right wrist in pain. cardboard and ladder fell, in a total mess. i realised it's something serious. damn..called dad and he said we better not wait..went to to polyclinic..waited to see doctor, then x-ray..it was a fracture in the right wrist, with some displacement and swollen..directed to A&E of hospital then..cabbed to SGH. waited..waited and more waiting...see another doctor at 2..dad came by to see how's things is going. was directed to the bone specialist..waited for 4 hours just to get the temporary cast done. no point complaining because all they can say is wait. followed by another x-ray to see if it's properly done..another hours plus of waiting..everyone is just frustrated, especially dad. i was couldn't help it. i dare not nap before my dad came by..and even when he was here, i manage to nap a while. spent a total of 12hours+ just to get simple things done..wasted time and money, most importantly pain you suffered. a lesson to learn, treasure your body and never let anything happen.

and who's fault was it? me. mum was suppose to be out with dad to our new house in the morning. mum stayed because she wanted to cook porridge for me, and meanwhile taking down the curtain to clean where she just fell off the ladder accidentally. why did i bring so much trouble to others? i didn't go for my project meeting at 12 and tutorial at 4 in the end for the first time, because i didn't want to leave my parents alone there, knowing there would be some communication problem. i know i did the right choice, because nothing is more important than my family.

i hope you are there for me. because i want to cry. will be lend me your shoulder? what am i saying.thinking of the consequences if she was on the chair, wiping the window. i wish i got the courage to go up, hug you and say 'i don't wanna lose you mum'. you don't seem to understand. and giving me some sort of attitude. i already apologised for not coming! why still nag at give me attitude?!! i can't seem to tolerate this. because i believe what i did for my family is right. will you do for your family too? thinking you, as a cancerian will understand me most, but you failed to. what a disappointment. but who is to be blamed? me. because of my own doing, now i am suffering. your perception of me changed, no doubt. i 'thought' i can still change it, but it's never easy. forget it...i just don't want to think of you right now and this moment.

handphone 'sort sort'..so sad..less than one year and it's already bringing me problems..sighh..stomach pain..so sad, don't know what's happening to me...

acting stupid in front of everyone. i feel i am so childish. think it's time to be serious and behave like a man? but it is actually for me to mask my sadness within..i am so confused with my own feelings, about what i need to do in life. is there a compass that will lead me to world of happiness? i wish i got it.

i wish for this one day...where true happiness comes..but when? i don't have much time.

so lost in doing tutorials..so lost in life. how worse can things turn out?
feeling tired of life..thinking how to pass each day fruitfully is a pain.

i am not updating what i am suppose to update. think life is too dull..i wish i can have a more colourful life...your words keep reminding me of the pain whenever i think of it. i know thats the maximum we can reach...but...blah blah blah.

yawns...

just when i thought everything will be normal..i started going berserk.
i feel very stupid.
i noticed what have i gained so far? nothing. but in turn what have i lost? a lot. just that i am not admitting to the facts. and it's all my fault for these. i know i ain't friendly. i know life can't be perfect and i shouldn't be here grumbling, complaining about life because there will be somewhere people who are less fortunate than me.

i thought i make it and manage to wake up. but actually not. feel so lousy because certain things wouldn't change no matter how hard you try. i want to know if there's anything i can do to change the outcome...willing to give anything (sounds crazy) but don't forget happiness is something you can't buy..just a thought.

stupid stupid.....

since this is what you want. i shall try my best to 'pei he'. chit you are so right..i am sure i want to see you smile and be happy always. i know time will turn me back into the normal person you know.

i just got to kan kai a little..

if i have no feelings, why do i care so much?
recently i lost all hope...knowing it's impossible for us.
i turned away, looked back at you at a different view.

yes i am happier now. you are right about me. i notice we can still be good friends. i got to learn this. i no longer want to be stupid and spoil your 'good' preception of mine.

now i got to convince myself being friends isn't that bad at all actually! and i know i can't afford to lose you...yesh!

trying to be happy (:

祝我生日快樂 (周傑倫無與倫比演唱會對唱版) - 溫嵐/周傑倫

曲：周傑倫 | 詞：鄭中庸 | 編：林邁可
我知道傷心不能改變什麼 那麼 讓我誠實一點
誠實 難免有不能控制的宣洩 只要關上了門 不必理誰

# 一個人坐在空蕩包廂裡面 手機 讓它休息一夜
難 像切歌切掉回憶的畫面 眼淚不能不能流過十二點

* 生日快樂 我對自己說 蠟燭點了 寂寞亮了
生日快樂 淚也融了 我要謝謝你給的你拿走的一切

@ 還愛你 帶一點恨 還要時間 才能平衡
熱戀傷痕 幻滅重生 祝我生日快樂

Repeat # * @ @