for some private reason i just hate to socialise with people. i wonder why i am in business school then. then which course suits me most? none. i think i should quit studying because of this. it makes me feel so uneasy.
had my interview with the taxi driver today. i did it, but not a good job i suppose. i am suppose to because of this, i was shivering all the time lahs. but no choice. i just need to be more 'hou lian pi' and request people to do my survey. so paiseh you know!
lets hope tomorrow will be a better day.
8:32 PM
so many things to blog. i just don't know where to begin. or some reason. i have now become a paranoid.
wednesday, 26/7/06
firstly i just realise i hate myself even more. i were shot my many people. it was began with me feeling too stressed up after the accounting test on tuesday. i was so lost, so unhappy and just want to go and have some fun to destress myself (or else i will die or do even more stupid me). well..i knew i was wrong in the first place. because i went to play pool with jian ming, clarrissa, yuan teng and affan without asking them whether they are doing project or not. actually i did message sashi way before. but somehow she just didn't receive it. *shrugx* so i guess i am fated to get scolded that day. i know i am wrong, but i just want to emphasis that i am not that irresposible till i left without telling anyone. thought i am wrong lahs. basically it was me and jian ming, but due to some factors, the rest came along with us, though it's not as i planned *eyes rolling* i have to admit i should learn how to reject other's request, and not nodding my head all the times. okiex..came up school and late for comm skil. and that's when the nightmare began. i sense everybody giving me all sorts of unahappiness in them. i just feel so okiex..they gave me wierd look, as if i did something seriously wrong. my mood just swing since then. changing back to the old gary, which is even more detestable and disgusting. i couldn't concentrate on my work. sashi finally spoke up. i dare not to comment on anything. because i know i don't have the rights. well, i guess i need to apologise to my group members. SORRY!!! i feel i am an outcast since then. indeed I AM.
Thursday, 27/7/06
i am just very unhappy. reason: 'unknown' x=
i just wish i can let my feelings flow. but, it's imposssible. i rather choose to hide and let it be.
had pom project presentation. every group seems to do so well..but when it comes to me. i am just too afraid to speak up. i didn't present well. worst of all, i am the one to be blamed for. in order to let sashi move out. i bend down n accidentially sat on the powerpoint. and there is go. it's broken. not funny. i started to panick. it's so too embarrasing. everything went on so well, the tutor was nodding and i assumed he acknowledged what we did. all thanks to me. i ruined the whole presentation. because of me we couldn't project our slides and clips to the class. i am sorry. again. *bow* i feel like nothing more than a jinx than part of a team. i didn't see the acknowledgement since then. oh wells. lots of comments were discussed. and it will be individual performance next week. i wonder what kind of lousy feedback i will be getting. sighs. just too much happened these few days. i couldn't take it anymore. few of us stayed back for a game. wow..such a surprise. it did cheer me up a little, but not long.
i feel so extra. i do not know where i stand. i am an outcast. everyone knows. where is the once happy and worried free me? lost. and nowhere to be found.
sad4evaz is back.
9:20 PM
today is a just a pure sucky day. i am a loser.
first of all i oversleep by two stops and ended at a place which i don't really know. i was doubtful whether to take bus or taxi back the national heart centre. next i went to the wrong level to register. took a x-ray, but twice. the radiographer somehow recognises me. thosands of cells have died again.
'have i help you taken a x-say before?'.
'yes. and i am back this time.'
the checkup finished within 3 minutes. oh yes you are discharge. ok fine thanks. saw this car wheelclamped. first time in my life seeing this. obviously the owner of this car deserves it. he parked his johor car in the pathway. walking others. i wish i could see his face when he saw his car wheelclamped. whatever it is. took this long journal bus back to bedok interchange. this bus 196 is from clementi to bedok. from one side to the other side of singapore. i have to praise the driver.
account exam ended with frustration, sadness. i don't know what the fuck i am doing. i just couldn't understand. i have too much expectation from myself. i know none of the question is correct. i wish someone is by my side to hear my story. but no one. no one. no one. i am in such a depressed. my face is as black as charcoal. i feel like punching the wall. i know it's just a test. i shouldn't care too much. i shouldn't pressurise myself like hell. this is what happen when you gets out of luck. from my now i am on my own. lonley heart. i wish i am born a little smarter. i wish..i wish...
i just hate myself, frankly speaking. bye
10:50 PM
Sunday, July 23, 2006
5:32 PM
morning go and remove the stitches. reached the registration then realise i bought the wrong envelope..ooops..shit la. then i have to take bus back h0me. saw a millipede along the way *shivers* and guess what, i saw my brother while taking bus. lols..he said he's going to johor so i thought it would be fun joining him since i am bored at home. went back to the polyclinic, and wow it was fast...abit painful though. the chest tube wound haven't close yet. i could still see the flesh. *yucks*
took bus to johor and eat secret recipe. lolx the food just sucks. all the while he was complaining about the lame chop 'oh it's too hard and stiff. oh look at the whipped potato it's so hard and sticky. why not use it as glue?' and i was holding on, trying hard not to laugh. yummy. and ya the bill was more yummy. well..it's my treat again. everytime it's my treat. =s always the one getting bullied. went to supermarket to get the drinks. told my brother that adding mentos to coke will 'explode' ended up we tried and wow. it sort of like 'explode' lame. dotted. it's just like when u shake and open the can. okiex fine i lost the bet. and there my brother goes. explaining the reason behind it. i sort of know why because of displacement!! hahas..though i failed my chemisrty in O'level. *sob* play some arcade and wow. we are back to singapore again.
went to city hall carrefour to check on my dream phone K800i..i wanna buy that cool phone =( it's expensive. i gonna get a heartache if i am to buy it. but my marginal utility will be very very high. wow. dots. took bus home and went to central to eat before coming home. that's all for today. going to school tomorrow. but econ tutorial. haix. haven't touch my tutorial work yet. gonna try doing it later. =) ciaox..
9:30 PM
today quite boring because a few dummies aren''t here...well, so school still has to go on, and it had become more quiet =x started off with business account. i am just glad that i attended today last tutorial before next week's accouning test. now i have a clearer picture on what's going on. will need to reivise more during weekend.
attended mr binggo's csa lecture today. i wonder why he keeps saying 'i know csa is a boring subject'. hahas..may be it's abit, but he need not have to repeat himself. was damn funny when he tried to search thorugh the web his name and came to carista's blog. he read what she wrote about the csa tutorial. oops. and i sleep for like one hour during the comm skil tutorial class..hahas..i didn't notice that somone else told tashan i was on mc still and not feeling well. so i wasn't disturb...Zzz..and it wasn't i was not feeling well, but the fact that i slept 3.30am last night in order to complete my homework like pom, comm skil report and acc. imagine only having like 3 hours of sleep and you have to hang on for such a long day. of course i didn't make it and took my time to take a nap happily. dotted=.=
discussed further about pom project. well i guess it's almost done except for the skit. i wonder what we are planning to do. haix..sashi banned me from going to school tomorrow. gonna miss alot of fun because they are gong to ann's house again~~~ nooo...why am i the one always missing the fun? sobx...stupid me..
just hope to recover real soon and have fun. i can't wait to excerise and sweat. XDDD
9:42 PM
i am not studying at all. play for one whole day. went to have a haircut today before it becomes an ugly mushroom. i have decided to cut my hair regularly and keep it short. i just can't keep long hair. rotting and playing online game today. tomorrow i shall study the microeconomics before it's too late. i shall upload some photos when free. so keep a watch out =)
here's one of the class photo taken on the actaul day of our comm skill oral presentation.
11:45 PM
back to school on thursday and today..hmm.. noticed something different..uncertainty. miss out lots of fun in school. you know i am not suppose to laugh and yet the dummies are making me laugh all the way. ahahas..it hurts la..okiex...stayed back though other dummies ask me to go home and rest early. but what's there to do at home other than sleeping? i rather spend more time with the dummies, yeah. but when it comes to learning, i have lots of problems understanding. things are getting so much tougher, i wonder how many times can i be that lucky in tests. pressure do comes, i want to do maintain my standard of performance, if not better. microecon had killed me this time around. only 67/100 if if anyone have not know...okiex...sashi was so sad because of the indian culture group. guess her friend 'pangseh' her at the very last minute..well this can always happen. then the other dummes were all trying to make her smile. that's what friends are for. okiex..dumb. they went understand the table and console her..lolx..and sashi was wearing a skirt you know? luckily leelin took her jacket and put it on her lap? in the end she went to the her culture group. told leelin, carista and sashi who i like, it's okie..(right) okiex..i know it's kind of dumb because what i should is to tell the her, not them! dots..but my feelings towards her getting numb. don't ask me why. i just feel it's impossible between us. just wait and see......
and since when i was asked to treat the dummies to sakae...give me a shock but it was all a play. hahas..actually i don't mind treating good girls ya know? bleahx..and i guess i was too tired and dull. someday, i promise i will give u dummies a treat, okie..but went to sakae then found out the waiting queue was so long..dotx..no choice but to eat as pastemania. haix..very wasteful of me*knock* ate so little. sorry i had just no appetite ever since i am discharge. made fun of leelin by saying she's fat. i guess she's a little angry with me though..sorry leelin~~~too bad they won't be able to view this blog..hahas..no dummies have yet to discover here. =p i TRIED not to hide things between true friends, but it's tough. took cab home because it was getting late. haix..the rest live so near, except me in ang mo kio! sobx..hahas..took cab before i got locked outside my house hahas..$12.10..hm..wonder how much it would be to go to from my house to tp after the taxi fare had rise..just curious.
friday- 14july
mircoecon is just killing me lahz..haix..i don't understand what the lecturer is trying to say...or may be i am just one dumb ass. had our captain's ball with 1b14. totally a nightmare. we fight well..smell of gunpowder was over the court. johnathon was so fed up he whacked the ball at the guy. lolx...of course he's out of the game after that. but they just sucks..we were all complaining their girls are bitchy. not to mention the guys lahz..cause they are worse. small little thing that guy shouted 'wait! wait! wait!' i think he's just trying to show off or what la. lame acting man infront of the girls trying to earn some credit. lolx..sorry if i am too mean. i wish i can go down and play and win for the class. i want to play so much. mood was affected when we lost the game terribly. haix..would we win if i was there? sorry but i thought i could help. i really want to. i hate myself for what i had gone through. seeing other people healthy, happy, playing and i am just sick the tired of myself. i tried to hide my other side. why is my life such a TRAGIC? i hate standing there and watch other sweat, people cheering on them. i am just pure jealous.
watched jian ming play basketball, not again right when i couldn't even bounce the ball properly now. i just hope i recover fast!!!! ARGH. feel so upset that i ended up playing pool with jian ming at bedok. suppossed to go to ann's house to sing. but i just feel so outcast. haix..whatever bahz. the games were horrribly played, especially me. my skills are suddenly gone and i ended up thrashed by him. i dislike losing. i guess i just sucks, oh yeah. shall end here. i am just too bored to continue writing =(
8:41 PM
Life is really fragile. this saying works rather well on me. Okie..it seems to be a fine day when I was still playing pool with my Jian Ming on thursday after my pom tutorial. yea had some great fun and then who knows during my pom lecture later in the noon would my mood swing. i thought of my past, started to write my feelings onto the piece of paper and threw it away into the dustbin. well, at least the dummies thought I was angry with someone else, nope it wasn't. Or could be the the games which they were playing and I couldn't figure out what happened until carista told me the secret behind it. Then after pom we were decided to play pool, yupx I agreed to go too. but just as I was walking to the *mushroom*, I felt a sudden pain on my right chest. I doubt myself, and breathe in deeper. No doubt it was. okie..i tried to hide it, but the apin got more intense..in the end I told them i got to go to the A&E (Accident and Emergency), they were rather shocked it. hahas so am I.
took a cab there...had x-ray, confirmed by the doctor it was pneumorthorax, on the right lung. So they just had these procedure of inserting a chest tube in again.
the next morning I was told to be do the VATS on my right lung too because i had past case..Yupx..it was quite a surpise that I would be here at the heart centre again that soon. hahas..i had high hope on meeting my long crush- the physiotherapist. called dad, he came almost immediately, sneaking out to sign the consent. well..was so happy and shocked on friday that the dummies, with jian ming and johnathon came to visit me ..an early birthday celebration. They bought me a chocolate tiramisu cake and celebrate with me..wahahhas...i am just plain too overjoyed that day. oh well...they stayed with me until I asked to change and get ready for my operation. the operation went well i suppose...lets cut things short and sweet...
so it was 8 july, my first ever birthday spent in hospital. another physiotherpist came on my birthday and guess what? she's from hk too? wahahahs..world is small isn't it. so i manage to ask about the long crush on the physiotherapist. and she replied saying she had gone for a 2 weeks off? sad isn't it? haix..just as i was hoping to see her and she's away...=( anyway the new physiotherapist is nice a girl today. yea she just graduated and had work in the heart centre like less than one month ago..hahas...was moved from high dependancy to normal ward..secondary school friends came to visit me, the first two was chek how and wen hui. bought me a shirt for my bithday..the rest soon arrive...zheng ping and liu qiong arrived when those two were away..and wow, suddenly the ward was filled with peeps..hahas..sorry it was hot lahz..i wasn't rich enough to stay at B1 ward. ping and qiong bought a choclate cake again..ahahas...choco nightmare. anyway made my bithday wish without lightning the candle...no choice. i am in hospital!!! hahas..parents took shift to come to visit me so that i won't feel too bored.. well. as my dad says the patient will actaully feel much secured if some parent/friend is around. this is very true...i do wish for that but i do understand that they have to work too.
the second last day was rather okie...except for the giddyness which has been bothering me ever since each time i am admitted..i guess i lost too much blood during the operation. but i shld be fine soon. i really have to thank yisim. =) she had kept me accompanied at my most difficult time by sms to me..hahas..erm..we have been like smsing to each other almost for 6-7 hours..wahahas..yea i really enjoy talking to her...hehex..but i think she's just treating me as a good sister afterall. wondering where i stand in your heart. hmmm..joyce came over at night to visit me..thanks these 2 girls for keeping me alive..hahas..if not i may just died of boredom that whole long day. imagine trying to sleep, but you couldn't!!!!! suffer right? okie...thanks the last night's mosquito...irrirating..makes me feel so itchy and it's red even till now. i just hate that damn mosquito..i juz hope i had fed him fully..okie..the next day i could finally go home...yay
and here i am back home...can't go school yet..but my mc ends till 31 july..long way eh? hahas...waiting for me to recover so that i can go school to see the dummies..yea i can't wait to see them again you see..hahas...shall end here...i will definitely try to blog more often...if i am feeling better, but as you know life's boring if not in school...tatas..
6:36 PM
heex..coming to blog during my tutorial. Another lucky day for me I guess. Just manage to get back my computer skills and aplication(CSA). Yepx..I have done quite well again..42.5/50. Not bad eh? Hehex..quite shocked by my results..thought I may just get an border line passes, ending up getting distinction(if there is). Well, like what I always said to myself, I have been vey lucky in my polytechnic life. One more final subject- microeconimic..woot..I hope I won't fail it..since now worries for csa it's gone. But that doesn't mean that I can slack~~I just crap through my csa paper you know?
lots of problems arise for projects..I just hope it will be gone soon. shall continue tonight..=)
back home at 10. I just had a horrible experience with a b***h in bus while on the way home. I was eating my chocettes, listening to my mp3 and this lady sitting beside me tap on my shoulder, pointing upwards..I was like 'huh? Yes, what you mean?' And there she said 'no eating'. 'okiex...i said..pretty stupid isn't it. I was so fed up during the whole trip, trying to take my revenge on her. And there it goes..If an old lady were to board the bus, I would tap on her shoulder and point at the sign "Please give the seats to the needy ones" something similar..and of course I would give up my seat..lolx..brilliant plan isn't it. But I just don't have the courage to do so. Anyway it's really wrong to eat in this bus, though you assume it won't dirty the bus. Guess what, she did all sort of disgusting stuffs la like digging her ears..YUCKS. what a ***** right? I shalln't continue...it's stupid..
Horrible things happen within the sister group..Unhappeniness are starting to rise on her. Yet she hasn't notice it yet. Why such things happened among the sisters? And I am such a realistic person. When I like it, I can talk to you happily. When I don't, I can just neglect a person...totally..I don't know..it's like I had been total brainwash by the rest. My attitude towards her changes, I tend to avoid her, if possible. haix..I just need to change badly..okiex..the comm skill project had been bothering me since then...I wonder if our group can do a good job..I wonder...
1:38 PM
Took an alternate route to school today. Well..it's much faster and I reach school early. Okiex..today the dummies wear their own secondary school PE t-shirt to school and wow..an eye opening experience, where I can see different schoos' designs of PE t-shirt. Coolz..mircoecon's lesson's so tough..oh my god..it will take some time before I really gets to understand what it is about. It's something linked with last week's. I need to work harder on my poor subjects.
Haix...I feel bad because I didn't contribute at all for my oral presentation!!! Hello..wake up..okiex..talk less and do more. All the while I was chatting with yisim and clarissa. Ann's doing all the work alone herself. Not too sure about Sashi. Ann ended up been very stressed up, and at first I thought it was all out fault for not helping her. It was just now, when I apologise to her, then I realises it was somebody's harsh comments which hurt her unknowningly. Although she explained what happened, that doesn't mean I can just sit and watch one person does all the job right? I know the best how it feels to be doing the project all alone. So let's talk less and contribute more. SORRY ANN~~~but it hurts me when I walked into the classroom, seeing affan shook his head. I know what he means. oh well, am i just a flirt? I wonder..at first I thought I wouldn't care how others think if i stay with a big group of girls. However it seems I do care still, afterall. Was pretty sadden by just that head shake...I wonder now if I had done the right choice staying with the dummies..depress at this vary moment..
Went to watch superman after our communication skills(comm skills) with leelin, ann, yisim, kuma*sashi's boyfriend*, shireen and carista. Erm..so shocked at the queue at the cinema. We managed to bought out tickets, but at the first row. First time I had such seats..hahas..neck pain after show? nahz..at first I thought it will..somemore it's a long show which lasted 3 hours? wahahhas..the show is just too draggy...almost went asleep near the end. oops..took group photos together..erm..it was so stupid and *paiseh* making weird pose outside the shopping mall..people walking past give a weird look on their face, some even shook their head..lame..but i enjoyed the time with them..left with leelin, shireen and carista for dinner..eat and shared some of my past experience.
Who will want to be with someone who can't even hold the hands of the person you like? I know I am a failure. Because of this sweaty palms it had shrink of social circle. I just hate this..No wonder I am destiny to be lonely..suddenly I just feel depressed..that's all for today...see ya
10:09 PM
Started off with a bad day..awoken up by an acute stomach..Did i eat something wrong? nope i guess..luckily i was fine after a while..managed to went back to sleep and guess what. I got a noise bleed when i was brushing my teeth..haix..blood again. It's disgusting to swallow the lumps of blood, but I think i have no choice. Okiex..lets' skip the disgusting part.
Had a last minute meeting with cai jun and chek how at ang mo kio central(outside sumo). It had been really a long while since I last meet cai jun. I almost couldn't recognise him you know? He had grown much taller, even taller than chek how. Oh my god..I think he's even taller than me! *shame shame* Then the pool addict, which is me suggested to went to play pool( i love pool) at funland there. It's quite cheap also...5 bucks per hour..well, each of us ended up to play 3 bucks only..heex.. and dear chek how seems so despo about 'jioing' a girl name michelle, who is suppose to his brother's friend lahz..dotted..but we crapped alot on how should be type, what is appropiate etc...dang! shop for my track shoes, danial finally came. *extremely late* bought it and $83Until now then I realized I am not sure what is the purpose of the pair of shoe. Could it be corss country? It is for running? Shrugx..afraid that I may have bought the wrong pair of shoes..oh no...
I have a great time smsing her today. I just love to talk to her, though I don't know hwow she feels. Chit gave me some very good advice. Most girls I shared my problem with encourage me confess, like Joyce. I need to thank them all. But it's so tough...? Why? Why am I afraid of rejection. I am such a failure, who even can't admit to tell the person i like ' I like you' Such a simpe task, even some people whom I never think of is doing so. example jian ning. I am down. Rushed back home because I msg until my phone was out of battery. ahahs..while danial and chek how went to play lan, me and cai jun went home. (We two are just not interested in lan gaming) She actually bougght a new suit for wednesday because she thought it was too formal. Well, I am looking to forward seeing her in Wednesday. Hopfully I can take a picture with her xP
Tomorrow all the dummies will be wearing their own secondary PE T-shirt. Woot..can't wait to see how different school's PE T-shirt are like. I hope I didn't disgrace my school, because I am kind of proud of Presbyterian High School(PHS) =D
拒絕最起碼問了最起碼也給自己一個交代呀, 不問就什麼也沒有機會是自己爭取的...
不說的話就是連0.01的機會也沒有Arrrrhhh..help me please...
9:27 PM
Another busy day..woke up in the morning and wanted to swictch on the television to watch the favourite cartoon. Guess what, the starhub digital box wasn't working. I tried other ways, thinking may be it was just a small problem. End up it wasn't. I gave up watching my cartoon...arrghhh..starhub technician will be coming next week. Meanwhile no television except inside my lao pa's room, which is the usual channels, but as everybody knows, I don't watch singapore channels, I hate them even. =( okiex..just tahan this few days..Met up with Joyce at novena at 1.15, oh well, we almost arrive at the same time. So we need not have to wait for each other..wahahas..lucky..I hate waiting and i am always the one being late you know? =x
Scolded for not having lunch first and keeping quiet until we are at the platform..oh well..I did actaully told her, but guess she just miss what I said. Chatted about lots of stuffs( We haven't met each other since I was hospitalised), stopped at Commonwealth for my lunch..It took us some time to find a coffee shop. Stupid Joyce asked me to eat grass if we can't find anywhere to eat. joke so much. Eat 'wan tun noodles'. Joyce suggested me to bang the wall or ly down at the MRT track and get myself killed if we are late. Hahas..in the end the show starts at 0230 instead of 2? lucky me? bleahx. It was a sign language musical drama 'The Profound Parental Love' by Tzu Chi Foundation(Singapore) Not bad lahz..they emphazied on parental love, as the title states...showed some extreme and sad cases in a video. Very touching indeed..But some people are so disrespectful lahz..fall asleep during the show..Mean isn't it? I mean though it may be bored and I yawned a few sometimes, I never fall asleep. Forget it..I shouldn't spend this much time on this kind of people
Went to orchard to eat 'xiao long bao' at Crystal Jade at Taka. It was sort of a early celebration for me. happy. The street was packed with people. And I only realized there was food festival, an annual event at orchard...okiez..i am slow I know..and outdated..Joyce wanted to buy her Korea drama but it seems no where to be found...sad for here lahz...then she keeps pestering me about helping her to download using Bit Torret which is impossible..Bought a pink shirt at last~~ woohoo..wonder what will happen if I am going to wear it. Even my mum said why buy pink shirt? And I replied your son is going for a sex operation soon. dotted lahz..Went back to check and an amazing 42GB DVD series *faint* Reached home about 8 like that..worn out liaox..but still making an effort to blog..heex..
I wish I have the courage to tell you I like you. I know there's not even a single chance if i don't act. But I am scared..I should be a guy next time. Gary, you expect her to tell you I like you? Fat hope lahx...haix..confused..should I? Or should I not?
I wish I have the courage
9:44 PM
for some private reason i just hate to socialise with people. i wonder why i am in business school then. then which course suits me most? none. i think i should quit studying because of this. it makes me feel so uneasy.
had my interview with the taxi driver today. i did it, but not a good job i suppose. i am suppose to because of this, i was shivering all the time lahs. but no choice. i just need to be more 'hou lian pi' and request people to do my survey. so paiseh you know!
lets hope tomorrow will be a better day.
8:32 PM
so many things to blog. i just don't know where to begin. or some reason. i have now become a paranoid.
wednesday, 26/7/06
firstly i just realise i hate myself even more. i were shot my many people. it was began with me feeling too stressed up after the accounting test on tuesday. i was so lost, so unhappy and just want to go and have some fun to destress myself (or else i will die or do even more stupid me). well..i knew i was wrong in the first place. because i went to play pool with jian ming, clarrissa, yuan teng and affan without asking them whether they are doing project or not. actually i did message sashi way before. but somehow she just didn't receive it. *shrugx* so i guess i am fated to get scolded that day. i know i am wrong, but i just want to emphasis that i am not that irresposible till i left without telling anyone. thought i am wrong lahs. basically it was me and jian ming, but due to some factors, the rest came along with us, though it's not as i planned *eyes rolling* i have to admit i should learn how to reject other's request, and not nodding my head all the times. okiex..came up school and late for comm skil. and that's when the nightmare began. i sense everybody giving me all sorts of unahappiness in them. i just feel so okiex..they gave me wierd look, as if i did something seriously wrong. my mood just swing since then. changing back to the old gary, which is even more detestable and disgusting. i couldn't concentrate on my work. sashi finally spoke up. i dare not to comment on anything. because i know i don't have the rights. well, i guess i need to apologise to my group members. SORRY!!! i feel i am an outcast since then. indeed I AM.
Thursday, 27/7/06
i am just very unhappy. reason: 'unknown' x=
i just wish i can let my feelings flow. but, it's imposssible. i rather choose to hide and let it be.
had pom project presentation. every group seems to do so well..but when it comes to me. i am just too afraid to speak up. i didn't present well. worst of all, i am the one to be blamed for. in order to let sashi move out. i bend down n accidentially sat on the powerpoint. and there is go. it's broken. not funny. i started to panick. it's so too embarrasing. everything went on so well, the tutor was nodding and i assumed he acknowledged what we did. all thanks to me. i ruined the whole presentation. because of me we couldn't project our slides and clips to the class. i am sorry. again. *bow* i feel like nothing more than a jinx than part of a team. i didn't see the acknowledgement since then. oh wells. lots of comments were discussed. and it will be individual performance next week. i wonder what kind of lousy feedback i will be getting. sighs. just too much happened these few days. i couldn't take it anymore. few of us stayed back for a game. wow..such a surprise. it did cheer me up a little, but not long.
i feel so extra. i do not know where i stand. i am an outcast. everyone knows. where is the once happy and worried free me? lost. and nowhere to be found.
sad4evaz is back.
9:20 PM
today is a just a pure sucky day. i am a loser.
first of all i oversleep by two stops and ended at a place which i don't really know. i was doubtful whether to take bus or taxi back the national heart centre. next i went to the wrong level to register. took a x-ray, but twice. the radiographer somehow recognises me. thosands of cells have died again.
'have i help you taken a x-say before?'.
'yes. and i am back this time.'
the checkup finished within 3 minutes. oh yes you are discharge. ok fine thanks. saw this car wheelclamped. first time in my life seeing this. obviously the owner of this car deserves it. he parked his johor car in the pathway. walking others. i wish i could see his face when he saw his car wheelclamped. whatever it is. took this long journal bus back to bedok interchange. this bus 196 is from clementi to bedok. from one side to the other side of singapore. i have to praise the driver.
account exam ended with frustration, sadness. i don't know what the fuck i am doing. i just couldn't understand. i have too much expectation from myself. i know none of the question is correct. i wish someone is by my side to hear my story. but no one. no one. no one. i am in such a depressed. my face is as black as charcoal. i feel like punching the wall. i know it's just a test. i shouldn't care too much. i shouldn't pressurise myself like hell. this is what happen when you gets out of luck. from my now i am on my own. lonley heart. i wish i am born a little smarter. i wish..i wish...
i just hate myself, frankly speaking. bye
10:50 PM
Sunday, July 23, 2006
5:32 PM
morning go and remove the stitches. reached the registration then realise i bought the wrong envelope..ooops..shit la. then i have to take bus back h0me. saw a millipede along the way *shivers* and guess what, i saw my brother while taking bus. lols..he said he's going to johor so i thought it would be fun joining him since i am bored at home. went back to the polyclinic, and wow it was fast...abit painful though. the chest tube wound haven't close yet. i could still see the flesh. *yucks*
took bus to johor and eat secret recipe. lolx the food just sucks. all the while he was complaining about the lame chop 'oh it's too hard and stiff. oh look at the whipped potato it's so hard and sticky. why not use it as glue?' and i was holding on, trying hard not to laugh. yummy. and ya the bill was more yummy. well..it's my treat again. everytime it's my treat. =s always the one getting bullied. went to supermarket to get the drinks. told my brother that adding mentos to coke will 'explode' ended up we tried and wow. it sort of like 'explode' lame. dotted. it's just like when u shake and open the can. okiex fine i lost the bet. and there my brother goes. explaining the reason behind it. i sort of know why because of displacement!! hahas..though i failed my chemisrty in O'level. *sob* play some arcade and wow. we are back to singapore again.
went to city hall carrefour to check on my dream phone K800i..i wanna buy that cool phone =( it's expensive. i gonna get a heartache if i am to buy it. but my marginal utility will be very very high. wow. dots. took bus home and went to central to eat before coming home. that's all for today. going to school tomorrow. but econ tutorial. haix. haven't touch my tutorial work yet. gonna try doing it later. =) ciaox..
9:30 PM
today quite boring because a few dummies aren''t here...well, so school still has to go on, and it had become more quiet =x started off with business account. i am just glad that i attended today last tutorial before next week's accouning test. now i have a clearer picture on what's going on. will need to reivise more during weekend.
attended mr binggo's csa lecture today. i wonder why he keeps saying 'i know csa is a boring subject'. hahas..may be it's abit, but he need not have to repeat himself. was damn funny when he tried to search thorugh the web his name and came to carista's blog. he read what she wrote about the csa tutorial. oops. and i sleep for like one hour during the comm skil tutorial class..hahas..i didn't notice that somone else told tashan i was on mc still and not feeling well. so i wasn't disturb...Zzz..and it wasn't i was not feeling well, but the fact that i slept 3.30am last night in order to complete my homework like pom, comm skil report and acc. imagine only having like 3 hours of sleep and you have to hang on for such a long day. of course i didn't make it and took my time to take a nap happily. dotted=.=
discussed further about pom project. well i guess it's almost done except for the skit. i wonder what we are planning to do. haix..sashi banned me from going to school tomorrow. gonna miss alot of fun because they are gong to ann's house again~~~ nooo...why am i the one always missing the fun? sobx...stupid me..
just hope to recover real soon and have fun. i can't wait to excerise and sweat. XDDD
9:42 PM
i am not studying at all. play for one whole day. went to have a haircut today before it becomes an ugly mushroom. i have decided to cut my hair regularly and keep it short. i just can't keep long hair. rotting and playing online game today. tomorrow i shall study the microeconomics before it's too late. i shall upload some photos when free. so keep a watch out =)
here's one of the class photo taken on the actaul day of our comm skill oral presentation.
11:45 PM
back to school on thursday and today..hmm.. noticed something different..uncertainty. miss out lots of fun in school. you know i am not suppose to laugh and yet the dummies are making me laugh all the way. ahahas..it hurts la..okiex...stayed back though other dummies ask me to go home and rest early. but what's there to do at home other than sleeping? i rather spend more time with the dummies, yeah. but when it comes to learning, i have lots of problems understanding. things are getting so much tougher, i wonder how many times can i be that lucky in tests. pressure do comes, i want to do maintain my standard of performance, if not better. microecon had killed me this time around. only 67/100 if if anyone have not know...okiex...sashi was so sad because of the indian culture group. guess her friend 'pangseh' her at the very last minute..well this can always happen. then the other dummes were all trying to make her smile. that's what friends are for. okiex..dumb. they went understand the table and console her..lolx..and sashi was wearing a skirt you know? luckily leelin took her jacket and put it on her lap? in the end she went to the her culture group. told leelin, carista and sashi who i like, it's okie..(right) okiex..i know it's kind of dumb because what i should is to tell the her, not them! dots..but my feelings towards her getting numb. don't ask me why. i just feel it's impossible between us. just wait and see......
and since when i was asked to treat the dummies to sakae...give me a shock but it was all a play. hahas..actually i don't mind treating good girls ya know? bleahx..and i guess i was too tired and dull. someday, i promise i will give u dummies a treat, okie..but went to sakae then found out the waiting queue was so long..dotx..no choice but to eat as pastemania. haix..very wasteful of me*knock* ate so little. sorry i had just no appetite ever since i am discharge. made fun of leelin by saying she's fat. i guess she's a little angry with me though..sorry leelin~~~too bad they won't be able to view this blog..hahas..no dummies have yet to discover here. =p i TRIED not to hide things between true friends, but it's tough. took cab home because it was getting late. haix..the rest live so near, except me in ang mo kio! sobx..hahas..took cab before i got locked outside my house hahas..$12.10..hm..wonder how much it would be to go to from my house to tp after the taxi fare had rise..just curious.
friday- 14july
mircoecon is just killing me lahz..haix..i don't understand what the lecturer is trying to say...or may be i am just one dumb ass. had our captain's ball with 1b14. totally a nightmare. we fight well..smell of gunpowder was over the court. johnathon was so fed up he whacked the ball at the guy. lolx...of course he's out of the game after that. but they just sucks..we were all complaining their girls are bitchy. not to mention the guys lahz..cause they are worse. small little thing that guy shouted 'wait! wait! wait!' i think he's just trying to show off or what la. lame acting man infront of the girls trying to earn some credit. lolx..sorry if i am too mean. i wish i can go down and play and win for the class. i want to play so much. mood was affected when we lost the game terribly. haix..would we win if i was there? sorry but i thought i could help. i really want to. i hate myself for what i had gone through. seeing other people healthy, happy, playing and i am just sick the tired of myself. i tried to hide my other side. why is my life such a TRAGIC? i hate standing there and watch other sweat, people cheering on them. i am just pure jealous.
watched jian ming play basketball, not again right when i couldn't even bounce the ball properly now. i just hope i recover fast!!!! ARGH. feel so upset that i ended up playing pool with jian ming at bedok. suppossed to go to ann's house to sing. but i just feel so outcast. haix..whatever bahz. the games were horrribly played, especially me. my skills are suddenly gone and i ended up thrashed by him. i dislike losing. i guess i just sucks, oh yeah. shall end here. i am just too bored to continue writing =(
8:41 PM
Life is really fragile. this saying works rather well on me. Okie..it seems to be a fine day when I was still playing pool with my Jian Ming on thursday after my pom tutorial. yea had some great fun and then who knows during my pom lecture later in the noon would my mood swing. i thought of my past, started to write my feelings onto the piece of paper and threw it away into the dustbin. well, at least the dummies thought I was angry with someone else, nope it wasn't. Or could be the the games which they were playing and I couldn't figure out what happened until carista told me the secret behind it. Then after pom we were decided to play pool, yupx I agreed to go too. but just as I was walking to the *mushroom*, I felt a sudden pain on my right chest. I doubt myself, and breathe in deeper. No doubt it was. okie..i tried to hide it, but the apin got more intense..in the end I told them i got to go to the A&E (Accident and Emergency), they were rather shocked it. hahas so am I.
took a cab there...had x-ray, confirmed by the doctor it was pneumorthorax, on the right lung. So they just had these procedure of inserting a chest tube in again.
the next morning I was told to be do the VATS on my right lung too because i had past case..Yupx..it was quite a surpise that I would be here at the heart centre again that soon. hahas..i had high hope on meeting my long crush- the physiotherapist. called dad, he came almost immediately, sneaking out to sign the consent. well..was so happy and shocked on friday that the dummies, with jian ming and johnathon came to visit me ..an early birthday celebration. They bought me a chocolate tiramisu cake and celebrate with me..wahahhas...i am just plain too overjoyed that day. oh well...they stayed with me until I asked to change and get ready for my operation. the operation went well i suppose...lets cut things short and sweet...
so it was 8 july, my first ever birthday spent in hospital. another physiotherpist came on my birthday and guess what? she's from hk too? wahahahs..world is small isn't it. so i manage to ask about the long crush on the physiotherapist. and she replied saying she had gone for a 2 weeks off? sad isn't it? haix..just as i was hoping to see her and she's away...=( anyway the new physiotherapist is nice a girl today. yea she just graduated and had work in the heart centre like less than one month ago..hahas...was moved from high dependancy to normal ward..secondary school friends came to visit me, the first two was chek how and wen hui. bought me a shirt for my bithday..the rest soon arrive...zheng ping and liu qiong arrived when those two were away..and wow, suddenly the ward was filled with peeps..hahas..sorry it was hot lahz..i wasn't rich enough to stay at B1 ward. ping and qiong bought a choclate cake again..ahahas...choco nightmare. anyway made my bithday wish without lightning the candle...no choice. i am in hospital!!! hahas..parents took shift to come to visit me so that i won't feel too bored.. well. as my dad says the patient will actaully feel much secured if some parent/friend is around. this is very true...i do wish for that but i do understand that they have to work too.
the second last day was rather okie...except for the giddyness which has been bothering me ever since each time i am admitted..i guess i lost too much blood during the operation. but i shld be fine soon. i really have to thank yisim. =) she had kept me accompanied at my most difficult time by sms to me..hahas..erm..we have been like smsing to each other almost for 6-7 hours..wahahas..yea i really enjoy talking to her...hehex..but i think she's just treating me as a good sister afterall. wondering where i stand in your heart. hmmm..joyce came over at night to visit me..thanks these 2 girls for keeping me alive..hahas..if not i may just died of boredom that whole long day. imagine trying to sleep, but you couldn't!!!!! suffer right? okie...thanks the last night's mosquito...irrirating..makes me feel so itchy and it's red even till now. i just hate that damn mosquito..i juz hope i had fed him fully..okie..the next day i could finally go home...yay
and here i am back home...can't go school yet..but my mc ends till 31 july..long way eh? hahas...waiting for me to recover so that i can go school to see the dummies..yea i can't wait to see them again you see..hahas...shall end here...i will definitely try to blog more often...if i am feeling better, but as you know life's boring if not in school...tatas..
6:36 PM
heex..coming to blog during my tutorial. Another lucky day for me I guess. Just manage to get back my computer skills and aplication(CSA). Yepx..I have done quite well again..42.5/50. Not bad eh? Hehex..quite shocked by my results..thought I may just get an border line passes, ending up getting distinction(if there is). Well, like what I always said to myself, I have been vey lucky in my polytechnic life. One more final subject- microeconimic..woot..I hope I won't fail it..since now worries for csa it's gone. But that doesn't mean that I can slack~~I just crap through my csa paper you know?
lots of problems arise for projects..I just hope it will be gone soon. shall continue tonight..=)
back home at 10. I just had a horrible experience with a b***h in bus while on the way home. I was eating my chocettes, listening to my mp3 and this lady sitting beside me tap on my shoulder, pointing upwards..I was like 'huh? Yes, what you mean?' And there she said 'no eating'. 'okiex...i said..pretty stupid isn't it. I was so fed up during the whole trip, trying to take my revenge on her. And there it goes..If an old lady were to board the bus, I would tap on her shoulder and point at the sign "Please give the seats to the needy ones" something similar..and of course I would give up my seat..lolx..brilliant plan isn't it. But I just don't have the courage to do so. Anyway it's really wrong to eat in this bus, though you assume it won't dirty the bus. Guess what, she did all sort of disgusting stuffs la like digging her ears..YUCKS. what a ***** right? I shalln't continue...it's stupid..
Horrible things happen within the sister group..Unhappeniness are starting to rise on her. Yet she hasn't notice it yet. Why such things happened among the sisters? And I am such a realistic person. When I like it, I can talk to you happily. When I don't, I can just neglect a person...totally..I don't know..it's like I had been total brainwash by the rest. My attitude towards her changes, I tend to avoid her, if possible. haix..I just need to change badly..okiex..the comm skill project had been bothering me since then...I wonder if our group can do a good job..I wonder...
1:38 PM
Took an alternate route to school today. Well..it's much faster and I reach school early. Okiex..today the dummies wear their own secondary school PE t-shirt to school and wow..an eye opening experience, where I can see different schoos' designs of PE t-shirt. Coolz..mircoecon's lesson's so tough..oh my god..it will take some time before I really gets to understand what it is about. It's something linked with last week's. I need to work harder on my poor subjects.
Haix...I feel bad because I didn't contribute at all for my oral presentation!!! Hello..wake up..okiex..talk less and do more. All the while I was chatting with yisim and clarissa. Ann's doing all the work alone herself. Not too sure about Sashi. Ann ended up been very stressed up, and at first I thought it was all out fault for not helping her. It was just now, when I apologise to her, then I realises it was somebody's harsh comments which hurt her unknowningly. Although she explained what happened, that doesn't mean I can just sit and watch one person does all the job right? I know the best how it feels to be doing the project all alone. So let's talk less and contribute more. SORRY ANN~~~but it hurts me when I walked into the classroom, seeing affan shook his head. I know what he means. oh well, am i just a flirt? I wonder..at first I thought I wouldn't care how others think if i stay with a big group of girls. However it seems I do care still, afterall. Was pretty sadden by just that head shake...I wonder now if I had done the right choice staying with the dummies..depress at this vary moment..
Went to watch superman after our communication skills(comm skills) with leelin, ann, yisim, kuma*sashi's boyfriend*, shireen and carista. Erm..so shocked at the queue at the cinema. We managed to bought out tickets, but at the first row. First time I had such seats..hahas..neck pain after show? nahz..at first I thought it will..somemore it's a long show which lasted 3 hours? wahahhas..the show is just too draggy...almost went asleep near the end. oops..took group photos together..erm..it was so stupid and *paiseh* making weird pose outside the shopping mall..people walking past give a weird look on their face, some even shook their head..lame..but i enjoyed the time with them..left with leelin, shireen and carista for dinner..eat and shared some of my past experience.
Who will want to be with someone who can't even hold the hands of the person you like? I know I am a failure. Because of this sweaty palms it had shrink of social circle. I just hate this..No wonder I am destiny to be lonely..suddenly I just feel depressed..that's all for today...see ya
10:09 PM
Started off with a bad day..awoken up by an acute stomach..Did i eat something wrong? nope i guess..luckily i was fine after a while..managed to went back to sleep and guess what. I got a noise bleed when i was brushing my teeth..haix..blood again. It's disgusting to swallow the lumps of blood, but I think i have no choice. Okiex..lets' skip the disgusting part.
Had a last minute meeting with cai jun and chek how at ang mo kio central(outside sumo). It had been really a long while since I last meet cai jun. I almost couldn't recognise him you know? He had grown much taller, even taller than chek how. Oh my god..I think he's even taller than me! *shame shame* Then the pool addict, which is me suggested to went to play pool( i love pool) at funland there. It's quite cheap also...5 bucks per hour..well, each of us ended up to play 3 bucks only..heex.. and dear chek how seems so despo about 'jioing' a girl name michelle, who is suppose to his brother's friend lahz..dotted..but we crapped alot on how should be type, what is appropiate etc...dang! shop for my track shoes, danial finally came. *extremely late* bought it and $83Until now then I realized I am not sure what is the purpose of the pair of shoe. Could it be corss country? It is for running? Shrugx..afraid that I may have bought the wrong pair of shoes..oh no...
I have a great time smsing her today. I just love to talk to her, though I don't know hwow she feels. Chit gave me some very good advice. Most girls I shared my problem with encourage me confess, like Joyce. I need to thank them all. But it's so tough...? Why? Why am I afraid of rejection. I am such a failure, who even can't admit to tell the person i like ' I like you' Such a simpe task, even some people whom I never think of is doing so. example jian ning. I am down. Rushed back home because I msg until my phone was out of battery. ahahs..while danial and chek how went to play lan, me and cai jun went home. (We two are just not interested in lan gaming) She actually bougght a new suit for wednesday because she thought it was too formal. Well, I am looking to forward seeing her in Wednesday. Hopfully I can take a picture with her xP
Tomorrow all the dummies will be wearing their own secondary PE T-shirt. Woot..can't wait to see how different school's PE T-shirt are like. I hope I didn't disgrace my school, because I am kind of proud of Presbyterian High School(PHS) =D
拒絕最起碼問了最起碼也給自己一個交代呀, 不問就什麼也沒有機會是自己爭取的...
不說的話就是連0.01的機會也沒有Arrrrhhh..help me please...
9:27 PM
Another busy day..woke up in the morning and wanted to swictch on the television to watch the favourite cartoon. Guess what, the starhub digital box wasn't working. I tried other ways, thinking may be it was just a small problem. End up it wasn't. I gave up watching my cartoon...arrghhh..starhub technician will be coming next week. Meanwhile no television except inside my lao pa's room, which is the usual channels, but as everybody knows, I don't watch singapore channels, I hate them even. =( okiex..just tahan this few days..Met up with Joyce at novena at 1.15, oh well, we almost arrive at the same time. So we need not have to wait for each other..wahahas..lucky..I hate waiting and i am always the one being late you know? =x
Scolded for not having lunch first and keeping quiet until we are at the platform..oh well..I did actaully told her, but guess she just miss what I said. Chatted about lots of stuffs( We haven't met each other since I was hospitalised), stopped at Commonwealth for my lunch..It took us some time to find a coffee shop. Stupid Joyce asked me to eat grass if we can't find anywhere to eat. joke so much. Eat 'wan tun noodles'. Joyce suggested me to bang the wall or ly down at the MRT track and get myself killed if we are late. Hahas..in the end the show starts at 0230 instead of 2? lucky me? bleahx. It was a sign language musical drama 'The Profound Parental Love' by Tzu Chi Foundation(Singapore) Not bad lahz..they emphazied on parental love, as the title states...showed some extreme and sad cases in a video. Very touching indeed..But some people are so disrespectful lahz..fall asleep during the show..Mean isn't it? I mean though it may be bored and I yawned a few sometimes, I never fall asleep. Forget it..I shouldn't spend this much time on this kind of people
Went to orchard to eat 'xiao long bao' at Crystal Jade at Taka. It was sort of a early celebration for me. happy. The street was packed with people. And I only realized there was food festival, an annual event at orchard...okiez..i am slow I know..and outdated..Joyce wanted to buy her Korea drama but it seems no where to be found...sad for here lahz...then she keeps pestering me about helping her to download using Bit Torret which is impossible..Bought a pink shirt at last~~ woohoo..wonder what will happen if I am going to wear it. Even my mum said why buy pink shirt? And I replied your son is going for a sex operation soon. dotted lahz..Went back to check and an amazing 42GB DVD series *faint* Reached home about 8 like that..worn out liaox..but still making an effort to blog..heex..
I wish I have the courage to tell you I like you. I know there's not even a single chance if i don't act. But I am scared..I should be a guy next time. Gary, you expect her to tell you I like you? Fat hope lahx...haix..confused..should I? Or should I not?
I wish I have the courage
9:44 PM
