unsolved mysteries
where one can find the answer to their doubts?
in you...?
ms test tomorrow. mid sem test next week. but i am still lost. have no idea where to start. pressure is on and it's suffocating me.
i really want to do well in my studies...
gonna mug 'soon'
i am getting kind of greedy. i want to able to talk to you every moment.
happy times are over.
sadness have been haunting me these days. damn i hate u. why don't u just go away!
are they like fooling me on purpose? i feel like a clown =.= it's hard not to listen to what they said to her. you mei you? i don't know how to tell when it's serious and when's not. totally lost. so should i assume eveything is a fact? i was told it's you playing around. but this kind of thing is too serious to me. thats why i may not be able to take it. and thats why i ruined my day today..oh yes.
i don't know what more to say.
it's diffcult to draw the lines....
i am kind of scared. scare when guys approach you. i feel sort of like threatened by their existence. especially when i hear what they say. i try to act 'blur' by not hearing anything...their words seems so anyhow? ahh whatever i guess.
i don't have as much things to talk as them. i have nothing.
thats all.
| The Part of You That No One Sees |
You are passionate, romantic, and emotional.
You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it.
You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out.
Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable.
Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there.
You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful. |
this is like so dots...well actually i click all and choose this myself. believe it or not.
saturday..but exams are coming..not quite in a mood. kind of stress already although i have not started!
going out for a swim. in water i find peace. love it.
i miss you.
fate makes us meet. but will one day, fate pull us apart?
i understand the world is different between us. and that you are not obliged to do everything i want to.
i have lose, losing and lost too many precious stuffs in my life.
i know it may be lame to judge and conclude stuffs like that.
still it's a fact. a unacceptable fact for me, to accept.
here goes my little poem (:
feelings come and feelings go,
way beyond my control.
may be it's better maintaining this way
so trouble won't bother me.
there are times i feel you are my world,
but under my hand, i just ruined it.
lost in my own world of darkness, unhappiness
that i can't figure out
no one can understand me,
not even myself.
to be trapped it's like a torture
i am at the urge of giving up.
and they didn't invite me for lunch today! sadded. ahas. they had lunch in kfc loh..wanted to meet them but ended up it was raining too heavily. so i hid in school and met them there instead.
so i helped out giving out survery to my graduating lom seniors on their big day, graduating service 2007. so cool..seeing gradurates getting their diploma. i am just jealous. but i overlook their hardship and effort in getting this. couldn't imagine in 2 years' time, i will be ending up like them, graduating from temasek polytechnic. it somehow motivated to work hard, but not for long. hahas. i doubt i will be as successful as some others. oh ya. i was the only guy that came and helped out. got bullied by the girls lahs. as usual. i got li yong by girls! i somehow became their slaves. kiddingz..'are you a gentleman?' shrugs..hahas..it was fun because we got to eat buffet after that! and what's more there's seal points! wahhahas..much better compared to ccn day...
shall stop here for today...tatas
10:15 AM
found this inside my computer while clearing some stuffs. sent by chit =)
seriously someting to think about, for now...
愛，會不會變？
愛一個人，就可以愛一輩子不變嗎？ 每對熱戀中的情人都渴望一生一世山盟海誓， 但，承諾了一輩子，就真的可以幸福美滿了嗎？ 人的心思，大概是最難捉摸也最難預估的， 有時候，也許是一件事、一個觸發、一個領悟， 就可以改變一個人的思想， 雖然不至於讓一個人徹頭徹尾轉了性子， 卻也可能讓一個人的行為與之前有了差異。
說不定，就這麼一秒的瞬間， 你可能更愛情人， 也可能發現到好像不那麼愛了。 愛，是怎麼一回事？ 愛一個人，是一種當下的感覺。 這一刻的感覺能不能持續到永久， 誰能夠很肯定地拍胸脯保證？ 總以為，今天愛，不代表明天還愛； 明天還愛，不代表後天還要愛。
.........
當日子一天天過去，愛的感覺可能日益增長， 自然也可能日漸消褪。 所以，誰能保證愛是不會變的呢？ 在這個世界裡，人與人的相遇愈來愈頻繁， 似乎只要一個「機緣巧合」，就有了相戀的可能。 而也許在相愛之後， 慢慢地發現了彼此的不適合，漸漸地把愛磨損， 到最後，不愛了。 一直都以為，愛是會變的。 因為，人心會變，感受會變。 但是，因為愛會變，就決定因噎廢食地不想愛了嗎？ 那未免又太過消極了些！
沒錯，愛是會變的， 然而，可能變好，可能變壞。 聰明的你，想讓愛有怎樣的變化？ 正因為愛會變， 人必須學著更成熟地去處理自己心情上的變化； 因為愛會變，人必須懂得去經營愛情，讓愛歷久彌堅。 當你已經盡了最大的努力，卻發現愛依然殘酷地有了改變， 那麼也沒有什麼好遺憾的了
反正別人不愛你，你還可以愛自己。
懂得體認愛的善變， 慢慢學著去適應愛所帶來的一切， 當愛隨著時間改變時，你也必須學著時間而有所成長，
如此一來， 你才能勇敢去面對因為愛所帶來的任何衝擊， 甚至如魚得水。 所以，學著去接受愛是會變的， 敞開心胸去擁抱愛的善變， 那麼，你將會發現，不管愛怎樣改變， 你都可以保有完整的自我， 不讓愛的多變深刻地傷了你。
最後，你會發現， 與其祈禱「不要變」，不如讓自己隨愛而變， 當愛消褪時，適時地添柴加溫； 當愛發燒時，適當地緩和兩人的激情。 讓愛可以恆溫地持續下去，才是真正懂得愛的人。 一生;總有幾次如初戀般的情感, 每一段無論是多少歲數的愛情際遇. 總是會有一方生變;在這世上, 很少人可以完全保證自己永不變心.
因為~~~~ 人與人的際遇.緣份...都是微妙. 也都是令人有遲來的感覺. 對感情也是如此. 不一定要彼此不變, 有時曾經真心的相待過.... 其感動與感受; 不會輸給長久卻是乏味的相守......... 只要曾經有過如此單純而喜悅的一段.... 對於人生~~~已是滿足! 隨變吧!
不要去牽強任何一段情感. 懂得隨愛而愛... 因為..... 曾經真實短暫的有過; 不要空虛的長久! .............
小心讀每一個，再用一兩秒想一想
我愛你不是因為你是誰，
而是我在你面前可以是誰。
沒有男人或女人是值得你為他流眼淚，
值得的那一位，不會要你哭。
那人不是你所想般愛你，
但不代表那人不是全心全意地愛你。
一個真正的朋友是向著你伸手，
觸動你心靈的人。
掛念一個人最差的方式，
就是你坐在他身旁，
而知道你不能擁有他。
就算你不快樂也不要皺眉，
因為你永不知道誰會愛上你的笑容。
在世界裡你可能只是某人，
但對某人你可能是全世界。
不要花時間在一個不會花時間在你身上的人。
可能神要我們在遇到那位對的人之前先遇上一些錯的人，
讓我們遇到那位對先生/對小姐時懂得珍惜。
不要因為完結而哭，
要為曾經發生而微笑。
這個世界永遠也會有一些傷害你的人，
你要做的就是繼續去信人和小心你下次信的人。
在你嘗試了解其他人和盼望其他人明白你之前，
先把你自己變成一個更好的人和了解你自己。
不要太努力去找，
最好的東西是在你最預計不到的時候出現。
9:27 PM
secrets are no longer secrets. i feel it's kind of early..and awkward to let people know how i feel thuogh. but is it a good thing to open myself up? and not bottling everything up? now that my poly friends know about it. i feel damn weird lahs..don't know if i had made the right choice revealing stuffs too fast. shrugs.
so i went to meet up with shiqi for a late lunch in the airport staff canteen. i reached early and walked around in the airport. eventually i went to terminal 2, hoping may be i could meet her there instead of terminal 1 burger king, which we were suppose to meet. then she called asking where i was. so i told her i at t2 and she's at bk. ended up she's in t1 burger king instead. dots..hahas..kaes lahs. it was kind of my fault, since we are suppose to meet at t1..i am such a fool (:
then we ate and chatted till 5 bahs..but i feel bad cause i didn't accompany her home. shouldn't i? shrugs lah..i just feel i may be going to far..as what i am now. anyway i am just stucked at that point of asking. i have been wanting to tour around the airport lahs..never tried before because the time i will be at airport will be going overseas. that's why i wish........
i am such a fool )):
went to vivio to meet up with 1b06 gang and celebrated shireen's birthday at earle swensen.. ouch hahas..and we just chatted somewhere in vivio..all sort of stuffs..crapping session as usual :) it was fun..especially when i was asked about that sensitive topic lahs..kaos..total embarrassment. shall not share about it. =/ decided to stay a little longer, till the last train was gone. lols..and yisim had to report home..well it's my first time seeing her staying till that late lahs..that's a little improvement though:) cab home and just dead...
after yesterday i have lots of doubts about you...unsolved..
i am beginning to be a paranoid. these and that. how??
i rather not know the truth you feel about me.
no idea but i am not ready to face the reality yet
just keep running
no point i know
what if it is a 'no'?
i don't even dare to think.
nightmare will come.
11:09 AM
yesterday was the ccn..school of business crowded with people. gosh it's like worse than open house lahs..but seeing everyone working so hard to sell their things, i really feel like participating too! though i know i will make little contributions. it somehow reminds me of the funfair i got at secondary 1 and 4 during the phs times.. a really good way to get the class bonded. and it's hard to reject someone approaching you ehz..i just bad at this. was asked to buy flowers from my socialogy class peeps..suddenly have the thought of buying her a flower. won't it be great if she accepted it! hahas. fat hope =P i don't dare to too! sadded..
after ms tutorial went to eat with yvonnie, leejuan and shiqi..yupx first time i eat with them lahs. kind of odd when i was the only guy. such a outcast. and i paiseh my classmates to play pool at parkway. awww sorry but due to hot weather my sweaty palms have been really bothering me lately. hate this. and also i want to eat.. was damn hungry..stomach grumbling during ms tutorial!! =x. went to design to eat..and after that leejuan left for her work. then 3 of us went to accompany shiqi to get her second hand ms book..only 25bucks lahs..kaoz..new one is 40+ =.= kill me.. unfortunately i find no one willing to sell me. and it's COMPLUSORY to buy this year for just one semester. dots. regretted not getting rid of my old books..hmm..
after that shiqi pei me wait for my bus at her place. really appreciate it =)) i left to lucky plaza to meet my secondary gang. have been quite active with them lately. and sad to say they are my secondary 1 and 2 classmates. =.= what happened to the guys in our class? sigh..guess i am not a good friend lah. we just don't meet out like other classes do. sighhh..
left halfway because i wasn't damn tired. i looked so sian afterall so no point there also lahs. wait others thought i attitude problem. (: guess the rest have lots of fun staying outside till quite late...
it's saturday. and i have lots of activity. i hope i can have fun..yea ((=
10:19 AM
it's friday tomorrow!! school's going to end at 1 horray! feeling happy now.
went to CS and ate a set lunch at jack's place...steak i love it. though i was told i am not suppose to eat beef for people who have operations before. shrugs. i just can't resist the temptations! alright then we headed to arcade and play..guess what. was asked to produce identity again! kaos..is it my fault that i look young? and even below 16? damn..hello!!! i am 4 years older than the legal age to play video gaming. and 1 minute later, weiming were asked to show again! holy! what's their problem lahs..i dislike their attitide, especially one is gaming. weiming was damn fed up about this event. he said he will never play here again. i think for me too. i dont like that damn place neither. lols. then we were like trying to console ourselves looking young isn't that bad, especially when you turn into an elderly..you would want YOUTH!! YOUTH is POWER!!
it's been a while since i feel so relieved. why? because the grouping problem in the socialogy had been solved eventually. the absentee got no choice but to accept it. i doubt she will be complaining next week. scary..
and i think i look like a natural nerd lahs..whenever in a project there's a roleplay for nerd, i am always chosen. can't blame it. look at my size..look at how i look..prefect choice! so i acted in the roleplay during socialogy tutorial..it was kind of fun though i am the nerd..i love roleplaying xDDD
managed to chat with her in msn..yes i am damn happy that she came online and we chatted till like 1+ lahs..so fun..she's such a nice girl..i can't wait to see her tomorrow, and every single day. u brighten my day. and i can't admit that i am falling deeper for her now..i really have fun smsing with her! hehe..i hope she too!
how long can this happiness last??
9:15 PM
i waited and give up. i don't know what happened, but i would like to know.
i have become a paranoid nowadays..and it isn't cool at all..
10:27 PM
have been staying at home for the past weekend. trying to recover before a new week began. didn't even go to swim..gosh i miss swimming..and now i am much better ..yea =))
found out that someone like same girl as me in class. T.T now i have got myself a 'love rival'. i realised i have already lost before anything happened. why? simply because i have never win before. guess my rival is acting soon. somehow it was already 'revealed' today. it was kind of shock too because i wasn't told about this before hand. it was until i was with my friends and i was told. i am outdated lahs i know. and i shall just stand at a corner of my own world..watching in jealousy..i am just jealous at others' achievement. why can't i do the same thing as others??? but having such 'rival' doesn't seem to be a good thing to me at all. fainted lahs..what am i thinking actually. i just THINK TOO FAR le lahs..i am talking as though i am with her now..crap crap..and the whole time i was thinking what are the possibilities of this and this happening during the OM lecture. i couldn't concentrate at all, but it's kind of usual i am at my own universe.
watched 28weeks later at evening with ping. just not bloody enough..i think i am crazy..i just love this kind of shows, although their storyline are always about the same. same ending..storyline not that interesting lahs this show. and it's kind of short too. i just M18 shows are not enough for me. looking forward to R21 shows..that should satisfy me ^_^
you are the now sole motivator of me to attend school everyday...that should be enough. see ya tomorrow :))
10:32 PM
rushed yesterday's entry...didn't really understand what i was saying. dotted.
An overview of today's horoscope.
Waiting, wishing and hoping are all fun as hobbies, but they can get pretty frustrating if no action is taken. It's time to get grounded and figure out a game plan so you can get there instead of fantasizing about it.
i just think this should be the horoscope for every day lahs..it's perfect for me. haii..feeling lifeless and body's too weak for anything. i need more rest. yes. and the medicine don't seem to be working really well. hate to be weak. feel like coughing. and i can't even talk loud. no wonder she said why i am talking so softly hahas. but life was enlightened during management science..yea. got a good chance to talk to her, even though it was all about tutorial work lahs. like i said i seems to have alot of interpretions of every word she said to me...more than everybody else. you are important to me.
i feel you are too good for me. i don't hope for much. just able to see you, or able to talk to you and i am fully contented le. i don't pray for much.
have to rest early..just hope to recover soon bahs
i feel shy to approach you, to be with you. are you too?
.......................
10:23 PM
went for socialogy tutorial class today. it was horrible. first it's boring and draggy..and unfortunately there's a group with 3 people. we have to decide one group had to move their members to this group. tutor came up with drawing lots. i thought it may be a better alternative since my group got 6 people..whereas others have 5. everyone rushed out to draw. i sat and praying some unlucky ones would pick it. dots.
in the end it was left with 2..yes the two who didn't go pick..so we were forced with move one out? i am just sad about this. i thought i may be able to group with my secondary school friend. now it's all screwed up. i got no idea why. my group used to have 5 people. but one of the members' friend just cut in. i am not saying she's wrong. i mean who don't like to work with their own friends, right? i was just kind of disgusted with her attitude...just abit..i don't really like ah lian you see. and she's one. haii..i just want to work with my secondary school mate. just a small little request from me and you are against me. why do god had to fool me always? why must you put me in such a difficult person? why am i so emotional? really hate myself. the way i am build up...too fragile. my friend and i didn't draw the 2 lots. tutor said we have to think of a plan to solve this problem. so what am i suppose to do with this shit. it just annoyed me when i cant't work with people i want to....
life is such a trouble. got to squeeze in bus after tutorial. saw this little boy saying 'uncle. uncle.' he had been trying to find his way through and alight through the front door. and i finally giggled and nodded in agreement. life still has something beautiful. but this thought was ended within a minute. i heard something bang into the bus. and when i turned my head and the windscreen of the bus, i saw this bird got hit by the bus. definitely going to be dead i guess. and it pull me off once again. life's really sad..just when i thought a bird can fly freely in the sky, it got ramped by the bus. ok it's first time i seen such thing. i couldn't believe such thing would happen..almost right in front of my eye..moody..
was so pissed i left after waiting for 20minutes..i was suppose to see a chinese physician. don't know how to spell though. whatever. stupid me. ended up taking a bus to see family doctor.
if life's so sad always, i wonder why i must continue to torture myself. =s i have social problems with my classmates. can't seem to bond as well as others did. i hate myself. a lot alot. everyone was talking outing the classroom before class. and me? standing beside there..doing nothing, except hearing what they were talking. i can't accomplish the things i want to achieve, even simple task i failed. and sadness is with me every single day. i can't seem to shake it off.
I FEEL DAMN USELESS. HELP ME to become a better man....
HELP!!!!!
9:01 PM
the weather is so hot lahs..bui tahan..makes me sweat sweat and more sweat. hoping for a heavy downfall to cool me down..
a good time to eat ice cream and stay indoor with air-con xD
so suay today..got called to answer because i am number 9 in the class list. and i was thinking no way it could be me. dotted. don't me myself winning money from betting soccer. but this...i want to interact with her more. but it feels so weird to be with a group of girls lahs..i wish i can overcome this..anyway it's a good thing i got to talk to her at least...................gastric problem came back after she alighted..i wonder why..damn the cup of mocca i drank. =((
i feel kind of weird to 'cut' into other people's group. so bad ehz? no idea i think i am going insane..very very desperate trying to achieve what i want. and i don't know how i ended up in the group. it's like without any consent of others and i am in. i wonder if others are ok with me in...shrugs. just hope i can work on my project well as well as enjoy myself with my groupmates :)
i am just been a paranoid lahs. hopeless. most of the time is me thinking too much in detail. i try to think what's the motive in every sentence people say or do, especially the one i like..dots. since young i have this bad bad habit. often i try to predict stuffs...ahhh don't know how to explain. but i do that whenever i feel troubled.
long break tomorrow. don't know what i am going to do. go home? find friends? study? do work in the library? sleep? no plain idea...
got to sleeppppp..Zzzz..
1:13 AM
what's the meaning of love?
have i yet to discover it?
my heart really sank today for the last lecture when i heard about the grouping between friends. couldn't concentrate at all for the rest of lecture. lost in my own world, thinking, is it my problem? what's the difference? why wasn't i called? i just couldn't solve the many questions inside. and the rest of the time. i was wondering how am i going to join the group.
i don't care what's the others' comments about you. it's not important.
i guess i am too shy to approach you...
sad4evaz..damn right.
6:12 PM
| Your Inner Gender is Male |
You are rational, matter of fact, and quite dominant.
You like to get things done, without any emotional messiness.
You truly don't understand most women. And you definitely feel more comfortable around men.
No doubt about it. You're a guy - at least on the inside. |
| Your Worry Factor is 62% |
The amount you worry is definitely borderline unhealthy.
Even when things are going well, you find yourself fixating on the negatives.
Try to remember the times you've been able to let your worries go.
If you can do that again, you'll be much happier! |
| Your Social Anxiety Level: 48% |
You have moderate social anxiety.
It's possible that you have a serious social anxiety problem.
But it's also likely that you can help yourself, by getting out more and trying new, scary activities.
No one's secretly judging you. So be yourself, and if you screw up, just laugh. |
Are You Socially Anxious?| Your EQ is 73 |
50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar. |
11:00 PM
10:48 PM
i am so unnoticable. now then i know...lols
not everyday is sunday though. but being able to see you is like sunday to me everyday. school becomes unkowningly interesting whenever i think i am gonna see you in school. that's how i keep moral high to come to school : )
it's get really annoying because i had made a wrong choice today. if only i have done that, things would have been changed. regretsss..i still remebered my promise to myself that i will act like what i want to be. but it seems i failed again..so maddening. i am just too self-conscious of myself till i am not myself. hmm..bad habits never changed. pathetic me. everything you do or say affects my mood so much...
i wish i got the chance to talk to you more in school. but it will be damn depressing if it doesn't come true.
lets see how's the day tomorrow...
tatas
11:04 PM
i guess i have to apologise for my insanity. i have to admit that i am too fragile lahs. keeping silence in msn it's because i am thinking hard the words you told me. i am speechless because i have to accept the words you said were nevertheless the truth. i was nodding in agreement. in a dilema , thinking what's right and wrong. should i listen to your words? or should i continue to think in my small world? utterly disappointment too beacuse i didn't have much consolation..kidding. don't know what went wrong yesterday. it's over anyway..and i am back on track today. smile =)
today is a pure day of operations management for the 4 hours in school..it's same for 2 other days. makes you kind of boring to be studying the same thing though. trying to keep on track. i wonder how many percent of what the lecturer said really gets into my brian. probably 10% or lesser. bascially i have poor memory lahs. brain cells not functioning/used in somewhere i shouldn't be using. crazy. i suddenly remember i need to study harder this year. and it's true beacuse i am lost most times in lecture. in my wonderland. looking elsewhere, thinking something else. : )
just when i thought i may/may not see not in school. i saw you. who's the you? shrugs. never expect to see her when i was out of school to eat my lunch. didn't realise when she's there too. before or after me? i guess she's just getting better lah. okie that's my personal comment...jm said she's better than the other one. i really wonder.......took bus after i went back to school and collect my socialogy textbook from wenhui. saw someone unexpected. and the unexpected took the same bus as me. chatted..got chance to see her and know her a little better. and i am contented for today. or may be for the next few days, weeks...lols kidding. and that totally cheer up my day in school.
i will love to live in this fantasy forever : ))
12:24 AM
unsolved mysteries
where one can find the answer to their doubts?
in you...?
ms test tomorrow. mid sem test next week. but i am still lost. have no idea where to start. pressure is on and it's suffocating me.
i really want to do well in my studies...
gonna mug 'soon'
i am getting kind of greedy. i want to able to talk to you every moment.
7:52 PM
happy times are over.
sadness have been haunting me these days. damn i hate u. why don't u just go away!
9:16 PM
are they like fooling me on purpose? i feel like a clown =.= it's hard not to listen to what they said to her. you mei you? i don't know how to tell when it's serious and when's not. totally lost. so should i assume eveything is a fact? i was told it's you playing around. but this kind of thing is too serious to me. thats why i may not be able to take it. and thats why i ruined my day today..oh yes.
i don't know what more to say.
it's diffcult to draw the lines....
10:26 PM
i am kind of scared. scare when guys approach you. i feel sort of like threatened by their existence. especially when i hear what they say. i try to act 'blur' by not hearing anything...their words seems so anyhow? ahh whatever i guess.
i don't have as much things to talk as them. i have nothing.
thats all.
10:26 PM
| The Part of You That No One Sees |
You are passionate, romantic, and emotional.
You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it.
You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out.
Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable.
Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there.
You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful. |
this is like so dots...well actually i click all and choose this myself. believe it or not.
saturday..but exams are coming..not quite in a mood. kind of stress already although i have not started!
going out for a swim. in water i find peace. love it.
i miss you.
4:45 PM
i feel you are drifting away....oh yes you are!!have been trying to convince myself that 'you are not obliged to.....' a hundred of times lahs. and also being at this state of friends seems enough for me..
still i wish i got the courage to tell you how i feel. i was told it's only fair when you let the other know your feelings, not everything to yourself. provided you are ready for any circumstances. most importantly i am not ready. and i never will.
for now i don't want to spoil the friendship. i know things won't be the same anymore, no matter what the results are.
i am just contented...
i shan't be thinking too much..it's not good for health afterall (:
can you feel the sorrow at the atmosphere?
whatever forever...
byex
Thursday, May 24, 2007
10:09 PM
fate makes us meet. but will one day, fate pull us apart?
i understand the world is different between us. and that you are not obliged to do everything i want to.
i have lose, losing and lost too many precious stuffs in my life.
i know it may be lame to judge and conclude stuffs like that.
still it's a fact. a unacceptable fact for me, to accept.
here goes my little poem (:
feelings come and feelings go,
way beyond my control.
may be it's better maintaining this way
so trouble won't bother me.
there are times i feel you are my world,
but under my hand, i just ruined it.
lost in my own world of darkness, unhappiness
that i can't figure out
no one can understand me,
not even myself.
to be trapped it's like a torture
i am at the urge of giving up.
and they didn't invite me for lunch today! sadded. ahas. they had lunch in kfc loh..wanted to meet them but ended up it was raining too heavily. so i hid in school and met them there instead.
so i helped out giving out survery to my graduating lom seniors on their big day, graduating service 2007. so cool..seeing gradurates getting their diploma. i am just jealous. but i overlook their hardship and effort in getting this. couldn't imagine in 2 years' time, i will be ending up like them, graduating from temasek polytechnic. it somehow motivated to work hard, but not for long. hahas. i doubt i will be as successful as some others. oh ya. i was the only guy that came and helped out. got bullied by the girls lahs. as usual. i got li yong by girls! i somehow became their slaves. kiddingz..'are you a gentleman?' shrugs..hahas..it was fun because we got to eat buffet after that! and what's more there's seal points! wahhahas..much better compared to ccn day...
shall stop here for today...tatas
8:06 PM
10:15 AM
found this inside my computer while clearing some stuffs. sent by chit =)
seriously someting to think about, for now...
愛，會不會變？
愛一個人，就可以愛一輩子不變嗎？ 每對熱戀中的情人都渴望一生一世山盟海誓， 但，承諾了一輩子，就真的可以幸福美滿了嗎？ 人的心思，大概是最難捉摸也最難預估的， 有時候，也許是一件事、一個觸發、一個領悟， 就可以改變一個人的思想， 雖然不至於讓一個人徹頭徹尾轉了性子， 卻也可能讓一個人的行為與之前有了差異。
說不定，就這麼一秒的瞬間， 你可能更愛情人， 也可能發現到好像不那麼愛了。 愛，是怎麼一回事？ 愛一個人，是一種當下的感覺。 這一刻的感覺能不能持續到永久， 誰能夠很肯定地拍胸脯保證？ 總以為，今天愛，不代表明天還愛； 明天還愛，不代表後天還要愛。
.........
當日子一天天過去，愛的感覺可能日益增長， 自然也可能日漸消褪。 所以，誰能保證愛是不會變的呢？ 在這個世界裡，人與人的相遇愈來愈頻繁， 似乎只要一個「機緣巧合」，就有了相戀的可能。 而也許在相愛之後， 慢慢地發現了彼此的不適合，漸漸地把愛磨損， 到最後，不愛了。 一直都以為，愛是會變的。 因為，人心會變，感受會變。 但是，因為愛會變，就決定因噎廢食地不想愛了嗎？ 那未免又太過消極了些！
沒錯，愛是會變的， 然而，可能變好，可能變壞。 聰明的你，想讓愛有怎樣的變化？ 正因為愛會變， 人必須學著更成熟地去處理自己心情上的變化； 因為愛會變，人必須懂得去經營愛情，讓愛歷久彌堅。 當你已經盡了最大的努力，卻發現愛依然殘酷地有了改變， 那麼也沒有什麼好遺憾的了
反正別人不愛你，你還可以愛自己。
懂得體認愛的善變， 慢慢學著去適應愛所帶來的一切， 當愛隨著時間改變時，你也必須學著時間而有所成長，
如此一來， 你才能勇敢去面對因為愛所帶來的任何衝擊， 甚至如魚得水。 所以，學著去接受愛是會變的， 敞開心胸去擁抱愛的善變， 那麼，你將會發現，不管愛怎樣改變， 你都可以保有完整的自我， 不讓愛的多變深刻地傷了你。
最後，你會發現， 與其祈禱「不要變」，不如讓自己隨愛而變， 當愛消褪時，適時地添柴加溫； 當愛發燒時，適當地緩和兩人的激情。 讓愛可以恆溫地持續下去，才是真正懂得愛的人。 一生;總有幾次如初戀般的情感, 每一段無論是多少歲數的愛情際遇. 總是會有一方生變;在這世上, 很少人可以完全保證自己永不變心.
因為~~~~ 人與人的際遇.緣份...都是微妙. 也都是令人有遲來的感覺. 對感情也是如此. 不一定要彼此不變, 有時曾經真心的相待過.... 其感動與感受; 不會輸給長久卻是乏味的相守......... 只要曾經有過如此單純而喜悅的一段.... 對於人生~~~已是滿足! 隨變吧!
不要去牽強任何一段情感. 懂得隨愛而愛... 因為..... 曾經真實短暫的有過; 不要空虛的長久! .............
小心讀每一個，再用一兩秒想一想
我愛你不是因為你是誰，
而是我在你面前可以是誰。
沒有男人或女人是值得你為他流眼淚，
值得的那一位，不會要你哭。
那人不是你所想般愛你，
但不代表那人不是全心全意地愛你。
一個真正的朋友是向著你伸手，
觸動你心靈的人。
掛念一個人最差的方式，
就是你坐在他身旁，
而知道你不能擁有他。
就算你不快樂也不要皺眉，
因為你永不知道誰會愛上你的笑容。
在世界裡你可能只是某人，
但對某人你可能是全世界。
不要花時間在一個不會花時間在你身上的人。
可能神要我們在遇到那位對的人之前先遇上一些錯的人，
讓我們遇到那位對先生/對小姐時懂得珍惜。
不要因為完結而哭，
要為曾經發生而微笑。
這個世界永遠也會有一些傷害你的人，
你要做的就是繼續去信人和小心你下次信的人。
在你嘗試了解其他人和盼望其他人明白你之前，
先把你自己變成一個更好的人和了解你自己。
不要太努力去找，
最好的東西是在你最預計不到的時候出現。
9:27 PM
secrets are no longer secrets. i feel it's kind of early..and awkward to let people know how i feel thuogh. but is it a good thing to open myself up? and not bottling everything up? now that my poly friends know about it. i feel damn weird lahs..don't know if i had made the right choice revealing stuffs too fast. shrugs.
so i went to meet up with shiqi for a late lunch in the airport staff canteen. i reached early and walked around in the airport. eventually i went to terminal 2, hoping may be i could meet her there instead of terminal 1 burger king, which we were suppose to meet. then she called asking where i was. so i told her i at t2 and she's at bk. ended up she's in t1 burger king instead. dots..hahas..kaes lahs. it was kind of my fault, since we are suppose to meet at t1..i am such a fool (:
then we ate and chatted till 5 bahs..but i feel bad cause i didn't accompany her home. shouldn't i? shrugs lah..i just feel i may be going to far..as what i am now. anyway i am just stucked at that point of asking. i have been wanting to tour around the airport lahs..never tried before because the time i will be at airport will be going overseas. that's why i wish........
i am such a fool )):
went to vivio to meet up with 1b06 gang and celebrated shireen's birthday at earle swensen.. ouch hahas..and we just chatted somewhere in vivio..all sort of stuffs..crapping session as usual :) it was fun..especially when i was asked about that sensitive topic lahs..kaos..total embarrassment. shall not share about it. =/ decided to stay a little longer, till the last train was gone. lols..and yisim had to report home..well it's my first time seeing her staying till that late lahs..that's a little improvement though:) cab home and just dead...
after yesterday i have lots of doubts about you...unsolved..
i am beginning to be a paranoid. these and that. how??
i rather not know the truth you feel about me.
no idea but i am not ready to face the reality yet
just keep running
no point i know
what if it is a 'no'?
i don't even dare to think.
nightmare will come.
11:09 AM
yesterday was the ccn..school of business crowded with people. gosh it's like worse than open house lahs..but seeing everyone working so hard to sell their things, i really feel like participating too! though i know i will make little contributions. it somehow reminds me of the funfair i got at secondary 1 and 4 during the phs times.. a really good way to get the class bonded. and it's hard to reject someone approaching you ehz..i just bad at this. was asked to buy flowers from my socialogy class peeps..suddenly have the thought of buying her a flower. won't it be great if she accepted it! hahas. fat hope =P i don't dare to too! sadded..
after ms tutorial went to eat with yvonnie, leejuan and shiqi..yupx first time i eat with them lahs. kind of odd when i was the only guy. such a outcast. and i paiseh my classmates to play pool at parkway. awww sorry but due to hot weather my sweaty palms have been really bothering me lately. hate this. and also i want to eat.. was damn hungry..stomach grumbling during ms tutorial!! =x. went to design to eat..and after that leejuan left for her work. then 3 of us went to accompany shiqi to get her second hand ms book..only 25bucks lahs..kaoz..new one is 40+ =.= kill me.. unfortunately i find no one willing to sell me. and it's COMPLUSORY to buy this year for just one semester. dots. regretted not getting rid of my old books..hmm..
after that shiqi pei me wait for my bus at her place. really appreciate it =)) i left to lucky plaza to meet my secondary gang. have been quite active with them lately. and sad to say they are my secondary 1 and 2 classmates. =.= what happened to the guys in our class? sigh..guess i am not a good friend lah. we just don't meet out like other classes do. sighhh..
left halfway because i wasn't damn tired. i looked so sian afterall so no point there also lahs. wait others thought i attitude problem. (: guess the rest have lots of fun staying outside till quite late...
it's saturday. and i have lots of activity. i hope i can have fun..yea ((=
10:19 AM
it's friday tomorrow!! school's going to end at 1 horray! feeling happy now.
went to CS and ate a set lunch at jack's place...steak i love it. though i was told i am not suppose to eat beef for people who have operations before. shrugs. i just can't resist the temptations! alright then we headed to arcade and play..guess what. was asked to produce identity again! kaos..is it my fault that i look young? and even below 16? damn..hello!!! i am 4 years older than the legal age to play video gaming. and 1 minute later, weiming were asked to show again! holy! what's their problem lahs..i dislike their attitide, especially one is gaming. weiming was damn fed up about this event. he said he will never play here again. i think for me too. i dont like that damn place neither. lols. then we were like trying to console ourselves looking young isn't that bad, especially when you turn into an elderly..you would want YOUTH!! YOUTH is POWER!!
it's been a while since i feel so relieved. why? because the grouping problem in the socialogy had been solved eventually. the absentee got no choice but to accept it. i doubt she will be complaining next week. scary..
and i think i look like a natural nerd lahs..whenever in a project there's a roleplay for nerd, i am always chosen. can't blame it. look at my size..look at how i look..prefect choice! so i acted in the roleplay during socialogy tutorial..it was kind of fun though i am the nerd..i love roleplaying xDDD
managed to chat with her in msn..yes i am damn happy that she came online and we chatted till like 1+ lahs..so fun..she's such a nice girl..i can't wait to see her tomorrow, and every single day. u brighten my day. and i can't admit that i am falling deeper for her now..i really have fun smsing with her! hehe..i hope she too!
how long can this happiness last??
9:15 PM
i waited and give up. i don't know what happened, but i would like to know.
i have become a paranoid nowadays..and it isn't cool at all..
10:27 PM
have been staying at home for the past weekend. trying to recover before a new week began. didn't even go to swim..gosh i miss swimming..and now i am much better ..yea =))
found out that someone like same girl as me in class. T.T now i have got myself a 'love rival'. i realised i have already lost before anything happened. why? simply because i have never win before. guess my rival is acting soon. somehow it was already 'revealed' today. it was kind of shock too because i wasn't told about this before hand. it was until i was with my friends and i was told. i am outdated lahs i know. and i shall just stand at a corner of my own world..watching in jealousy..i am just jealous at others' achievement. why can't i do the same thing as others??? but having such 'rival' doesn't seem to be a good thing to me at all. fainted lahs..what am i thinking actually. i just THINK TOO FAR le lahs..i am talking as though i am with her now..crap crap..and the whole time i was thinking what are the possibilities of this and this happening during the OM lecture. i couldn't concentrate at all, but it's kind of usual i am at my own universe.
watched 28weeks later at evening with ping. just not bloody enough..i think i am crazy..i just love this kind of shows, although their storyline are always about the same. same ending..storyline not that interesting lahs this show. and it's kind of short too. i just M18 shows are not enough for me. looking forward to R21 shows..that should satisfy me ^_^
you are the now sole motivator of me to attend school everyday...that should be enough. see ya tomorrow :))
10:32 PM
rushed yesterday's entry...didn't really understand what i was saying. dotted.
An overview of today's horoscope.
Waiting, wishing and hoping are all fun as hobbies, but they can get pretty frustrating if no action is taken. It's time to get grounded and figure out a game plan so you can get there instead of fantasizing about it.
i just think this should be the horoscope for every day lahs..it's perfect for me. haii..feeling lifeless and body's too weak for anything. i need more rest. yes. and the medicine don't seem to be working really well. hate to be weak. feel like coughing. and i can't even talk loud. no wonder she said why i am talking so softly hahas. but life was enlightened during management science..yea. got a good chance to talk to her, even though it was all about tutorial work lahs. like i said i seems to have alot of interpretions of every word she said to me...more than everybody else. you are important to me.
i feel you are too good for me. i don't hope for much. just able to see you, or able to talk to you and i am fully contented le. i don't pray for much.
have to rest early..just hope to recover soon bahs
i feel shy to approach you, to be with you. are you too?
.......................
10:23 PM
went for socialogy tutorial class today. it was horrible. first it's boring and draggy..and unfortunately there's a group with 3 people. we have to decide one group had to move their members to this group. tutor came up with drawing lots. i thought it may be a better alternative since my group got 6 people..whereas others have 5. everyone rushed out to draw. i sat and praying some unlucky ones would pick it. dots.
in the end it was left with 2..yes the two who didn't go pick..so we were forced with move one out? i am just sad about this. i thought i may be able to group with my secondary school friend. now it's all screwed up. i got no idea why. my group used to have 5 people. but one of the members' friend just cut in. i am not saying she's wrong. i mean who don't like to work with their own friends, right? i was just kind of disgusted with her attitude...just abit..i don't really like ah lian you see. and she's one. haii..i just want to work with my secondary school mate. just a small little request from me and you are against me. why do god had to fool me always? why must you put me in such a difficult person? why am i so emotional? really hate myself. the way i am build up...too fragile. my friend and i didn't draw the 2 lots. tutor said we have to think of a plan to solve this problem. so what am i suppose to do with this shit. it just annoyed me when i cant't work with people i want to....
life is such a trouble. got to squeeze in bus after tutorial. saw this little boy saying 'uncle. uncle.' he had been trying to find his way through and alight through the front door. and i finally giggled and nodded in agreement. life still has something beautiful. but this thought was ended within a minute. i heard something bang into the bus. and when i turned my head and the windscreen of the bus, i saw this bird got hit by the bus. definitely going to be dead i guess. and it pull me off once again. life's really sad..just when i thought a bird can fly freely in the sky, it got ramped by the bus. ok it's first time i seen such thing. i couldn't believe such thing would happen..almost right in front of my eye..moody..
was so pissed i left after waiting for 20minutes..i was suppose to see a chinese physician. don't know how to spell though. whatever. stupid me. ended up taking a bus to see family doctor.
if life's so sad always, i wonder why i must continue to torture myself. =s i have social problems with my classmates. can't seem to bond as well as others did. i hate myself. a lot alot. everyone was talking outing the classroom before class. and me? standing beside there..doing nothing, except hearing what they were talking. i can't accomplish the things i want to achieve, even simple task i failed. and sadness is with me every single day. i can't seem to shake it off.
I FEEL DAMN USELESS. HELP ME to become a better man....
HELP!!!!!
9:01 PM
the weather is so hot lahs..bui tahan..makes me sweat sweat and more sweat. hoping for a heavy downfall to cool me down..
a good time to eat ice cream and stay indoor with air-con xD
so suay today..got called to answer because i am number 9 in the class list. and i was thinking no way it could be me. dotted. don't me myself winning money from betting soccer. but this...i want to interact with her more. but it feels so weird to be with a group of girls lahs..i wish i can overcome this..anyway it's a good thing i got to talk to her at least...................gastric problem came back after she alighted..i wonder why..damn the cup of mocca i drank. =((
i feel kind of weird to 'cut' into other people's group. so bad ehz? no idea i think i am going insane..very very desperate trying to achieve what i want. and i don't know how i ended up in the group. it's like without any consent of others and i am in. i wonder if others are ok with me in...shrugs. just hope i can work on my project well as well as enjoy myself with my groupmates :)
i am just been a paranoid lahs. hopeless. most of the time is me thinking too much in detail. i try to think what's the motive in every sentence people say or do, especially the one i like..dots. since young i have this bad bad habit. often i try to predict stuffs...ahhh don't know how to explain. but i do that whenever i feel troubled.
long break tomorrow. don't know what i am going to do. go home? find friends? study? do work in the library? sleep? no plain idea...
got to sleeppppp..Zzzz..
1:13 AM
what's the meaning of love?
have i yet to discover it?
my heart really sank today for the last lecture when i heard about the grouping between friends. couldn't concentrate at all for the rest of lecture. lost in my own world, thinking, is it my problem? what's the difference? why wasn't i called? i just couldn't solve the many questions inside. and the rest of the time. i was wondering how am i going to join the group.
i don't care what's the others' comments about you. it's not important.
i guess i am too shy to approach you...
sad4evaz..damn right.
6:12 PM
| Your Inner Gender is Male |
You are rational, matter of fact, and quite dominant.
You like to get things done, without any emotional messiness.
You truly don't understand most women. And you definitely feel more comfortable around men.
No doubt about it. You're a guy - at least on the inside. |
| Your Worry Factor is 62% |
The amount you worry is definitely borderline unhealthy.
Even when things are going well, you find yourself fixating on the negatives.
Try to remember the times you've been able to let your worries go.
If you can do that again, you'll be much happier! |
| Your Social Anxiety Level: 48% |
You have moderate social anxiety.
It's possible that you have a serious social anxiety problem.
But it's also likely that you can help yourself, by getting out more and trying new, scary activities.
No one's secretly judging you. So be yourself, and if you screw up, just laugh. |
Are You Socially Anxious?| Your EQ is 73 |
50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar. |
11:00 PM
10:48 PM
i am so unnoticable. now then i know...lols
not everyday is sunday though. but being able to see you is like sunday to me everyday. school becomes unkowningly interesting whenever i think i am gonna see you in school. that's how i keep moral high to come to school : )
it's get really annoying because i had made a wrong choice today. if only i have done that, things would have been changed. regretsss..i still remebered my promise to myself that i will act like what i want to be. but it seems i failed again..so maddening. i am just too self-conscious of myself till i am not myself. hmm..bad habits never changed. pathetic me. everything you do or say affects my mood so much...
i wish i got the chance to talk to you more in school. but it will be damn depressing if it doesn't come true.
lets see how's the day tomorrow...
tatas
11:04 PM
i guess i have to apologise for my insanity. i have to admit that i am too fragile lahs. keeping silence in msn it's because i am thinking hard the words you told me. i am speechless because i have to accept the words you said were nevertheless the truth. i was nodding in agreement. in a dilema , thinking what's right and wrong. should i listen to your words? or should i continue to think in my small world? utterly disappointment too beacuse i didn't have much consolation..kidding. don't know what went wrong yesterday. it's over anyway..and i am back on track today. smile =)
today is a pure day of operations management for the 4 hours in school..it's same for 2 other days. makes you kind of boring to be studying the same thing though. trying to keep on track. i wonder how many percent of what the lecturer said really gets into my brian. probably 10% or lesser. bascially i have poor memory lahs. brain cells not functioning/used in somewhere i shouldn't be using. crazy. i suddenly remember i need to study harder this year. and it's true beacuse i am lost most times in lecture. in my wonderland. looking elsewhere, thinking something else. : )
just when i thought i may/may not see not in school. i saw you. who's the you? shrugs. never expect to see her when i was out of school to eat my lunch. didn't realise when she's there too. before or after me? i guess she's just getting better lah. okie that's my personal comment...jm said she's better than the other one. i really wonder.......took bus after i went back to school and collect my socialogy textbook from wenhui. saw someone unexpected. and the unexpected took the same bus as me. chatted..got chance to see her and know her a little better. and i am contented for today. or may be for the next few days, weeks...lols kidding. and that totally cheer up my day in school.
i will love to live in this fantasy forever : ))
12:24 AM
